Hi.

How are you?

I brought this pad so that I can talk to you.

Do you need anything?

How about razors?

“_____”

Okay.

Are there any particular kinds of candy that you prefer? You can buy boxes of any different kind that you want. Eat as many as you want. Tell me which ones you prefer so that when I come next time I can have them. They sell small boxes. Do you like the hard ones or the soft ones?

Okay I will get a pencil with an eraser too. Might be better. What is it? My shoes? They were 45. I’ve been running 5 miles a day. You have to have good shoes or your legs hurt. Real good shoes cost 95. They feel like a feather and give you all kinds of support.

I’ll bring the screwdriver and the shaving cream tomorrow.

Screwdrivers to fix your glasses.

***********************

M Y S E L F

***********************

stay here will clean + make beds we are going to clean this room to day because your roommate + you has to be Lotioned to prevent spread of any infections **Preventive measures**

***********************

They told me that they had to wash everything because they thought their might be infection in the room. Nothing to worry about, just precaution. They will give you a bath next.

Ask nursing assistant, girl in room, any questions you have and she will write it down for you too.

I know you don’t like it. They will get you a bath as soon as possible.

***********************

They were looking for leather shoes—I told them your shoes were white canvas shoes with Velcro fasteners—they were confused—were looking for the wrong shoes

They are moving your roommate, Mr. _____, to another room.

The orderly is still looking for your shoes, if he can’t find them—later today I will buy you a new pair.

I will check back today about your shoes—ok!

**********************

Do you want anything?

Do you want me to ask the desk anything?

____’s car is broken, I am working on it.

I worked on it last night, I still don’t have it running.

You want to help me. Fix ____’s car. Maybe you could keep the beer cold.

Should I send my wife over, maybe she could so some good.

Does a priest come here for mass?

How often do you receive Holy Communion?

I go to mass at St. ______’s now.

************************

this lady wants to clean your room.

she wants you to leave until she’s done.

S I Z E 1 0 S H O E

I will see about calling your son today.

*************************

Hi. Sorry I am late. I will take the hearing aid to B_____e tomorrow.

Do you want me to tell the attendants to stop eating your candy?

Who takes your candy?

When do they take it?

At night after you go to sleep?

I’ll take care of it!

.

.

.

It will soon be one full year since you came here to ________ Care Center.

***********************

where is your clip board?

the board that you put your newspaper on.

eat your dinner now.

***********************

Hi Dad. It is hot outside today.

School will be out next week and my kids are looking forward to vacation.

They were swimming in our pool yesterday.

I’m growing aspergus in my back yard—first crop will be ready next year!

***********************

How are you today Dad?

Don’t you know me, it is ___, ____’s wife.

Do you need anything?

Your laundry is taken care of.

Can I bring you anything?

A S P A R A G U S

All your meals are prepared.

Have you had supper?

********************

we are having a problem drawing your blood.

are you really ready for bed? are you really sleepy?

S O N

what is his number?

**************

I am sorry—I can’t get your hearing aid to work—I will have to take it into B_____e.

That is your bifocal lens.

I talked to B_____e this week. They can’t fix your hearing aid but they can make you a new one for $650.00.

I will get this one for your left ear fixed OK.

____ and I have been rebuilding our two bathrooms this week. It was our 25th wedding anniversary and we celebrated it that way.

******************

They sent your broken hearing aid into the factory to see if it can be fixed. They said it could be any number of things.

They cleaned out your good hearing aid so you can use it again.

This is Friday’s paper. Today is Saturday. Did you get today’s paper?

Yes that’s a good old International truck!

I have to go now Dad—

I love you

Your bills are all paid

Don’t worry

********************

DO YOU HAVE PLENTY OF CLEAN CLOTHES?

*********************

DO YOU NEED ANYTHING?

*********************

DO YOU NEED A SHAVE OR A HAIRCUT?

********************

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

You had your light on.

May I help you?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Yes.

Soon.

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This is an essay about a film that very nearly wasn’t made. This is an essay about a film that a certain studio head took one look at, and said no. No way. Not again. This is an essay about a film that also happens to be an adaptation of a book written by Theodore Dreiser that was based, in part, on true events concerning a 1906 murder that had taken place in upstate New York, a book that had already spawned one film version that utterly pales in comparison to this one, Josef von Sternberg’s 1931 Paramount release An American Tragedy, in addition to inspiring a play about the case written by one Patrick Kearney as well as an episode of the CBS radio show Our Miss Brooks entitled “Weekend at Crystal Lake.” More recently there has been an opera, penned by the famous American composer Tobias Picker with a beautiful libretto composed by the wonderfully talented Gene Scheer. Whew. Got all that? Good. Now forget it.

What you really need to know about the 1951 film A Place in the Sun, also released by Paramount and directed by the prodigiously talented George Stevens, is that it’s actually two films in one, one of the versions being an intentional meditation on class warfare and American society, the other existing only in the dreamlike relationship that exists between this highly intimate film and its audience, in the very particular spell that it casts. It has been well documented that Stevens knew what kind of film he wanted to make and what he wanted to say about the subject matter, which in itself might be considered somewhat remarkable for 1951, the director being this self aware of the material’s content, enough so to view the film as commentary first and melodrama second, and he did just about everything he could here, short of being ham-handed, to play up the aspects of the story that he most wanted to delve into. But because of his machinations, some of them conscious, some of them perhaps not so much, he also unwittingly made another film here, a dark and brilliant statement about the nature of American sexuality that just happened to be light years ahead of its time. The subtext here is almost greater than the main work itself, certainly richer and more rewarding to literary sensibilities, should you have any. For the record, it’s also what makes it one the best films that a major Hollywood studio has ever produced and had its subtext been perhaps more noticeable and more apparent to the average American moviegoer circa 1951, one wonders just how many of the risks that were taken in the making of this film, particularly in its casting, would have been repeated at all.

A caveat first. A Place in the Sun is a deeply and emotionally unsettling film, on more levels than one, whether you are already familiar with its myriad subtext or not. It is also ultimately a hugely satisfying film, but one that is decidedly unsettling first and this in a way that has little to do with the story itself and more to do with the environment in which it was produced. It is unsettling in the way that you think of poisoned Halloween candy for children as being unsettling. It is perhaps as unsettling and as cold and as brutal as razor blades in apples. So fair warning here. Another caveat. If you haven’t seen this film yet, do yourself a favor and go watch it now as this small deconstruction will surely spoil the ending for you if you haven’t, and dare I say the majority of the film as well. In fact, I almost implore you to go watch it. This is a film ripe for scholarly interpretation and healthy discussion and this writer could likely write for days on end about it if you’d let him. So go ahead. Go pour yourself a tall drink and then turn out the lights and then be quiet. Shut up about the things that have been bothering you all week, silence that inner chatter if you can, and sit back and enjoy. This is a film virtually made for that. Let it unfold about you and around you and let it envelop you in its dreamy suspense and suspension of disbelief. And then come on back here. It’s fine. We’ll wait.

Ready? Okay.

Let us start with the casting of this thing. Montgomery Clift. Our poor tortured Monty. Our real American Hollywood tragedy, if we want to tell the truth about it. To begin with, you should know that he’s gay, if you don’t already. Like gay gay. And not only gay, but gay in a time that Monty most likely had to practically drag that closet around with him on his back everywhere that he went. And not just gay and having to hide it, but also he was troubled. The man had some serious demons. If he had burst onto the scene anytime in the last twenty years or so (and one hates to use that qualifier, the term “burst” being so far past cliché, though in Monty’s case, it’s deadly accurate) he likely would have been the biggest rock star on the planet, such is the power and the presence of his natural charisma. For girls and boys alike, Monty’s all mumbles and slouches and naked vulnerability, all wounded heart and embers and smoldering meaningful looks. Plus he’s ambiguous. He’s handsome yet pretty, sexy yet restrained, gorgeous yet rugged. He’s an incredibly pleasing person to look at, whether viewed as a sex object or not. Think a softer Brando here. For a better working description of his curious screen power, perhaps its best for you to think of the most beautiful and desirable person that you can possibly imagine and then imagine that this person can’t even tie their own shoelaces, let alone get along in this world without you. Sort of terrifying, no? This sort of manic desperation to him, his utter need of you masked as love. He can tie his own shoes, of course, but only if you were to just remain there with him while he does so. Imagine this person sitting there on the edge of your bed desperately needing your help, pleading with you to help them, that they love you, for Christ’s sake please, please don’t leave. You are his everything. The shoe problem has now been solved, but then what comes next? How will he ever get along without you? That, gentle reader, is the very nature and essence of watching Montgomery Clift act. A sort of radiating weakness emanating out from him, a sense of utter helplessness from which he is able to divine his true power. Marilyn Monroe had this too in a way, if you stop to think about it, this strange quality, this heady combination of distress and beauty and excess, as if imploring you to rescue her, so that she might be able to make all of your wildest dreams come true. It’s what makes The Misfits so sad to watch, after all. Brando and Dean had it too, of course, later, popularized in the Method school, but seemingly nowhere near to the degree that Monty seemed to possess it naturally, effortlessly really. As if he had had the better source material to work with in the first place, better, sadder memories, a more realized inner monologue. It’s what they call star power, kids, and what it’s really borne out of is isolation and loneliness and unhealthy ambition and above all, need. So don’t ever let anybody tell you any different. And it’s relatable, it’s beauty, but it’s unnatural, tortured beauty that has been transmuted and subsumed by the actor for years before being given to you, delivered expressly for your viewing pleasure. It’s true, ask around. It’s a deeply troubled person hiding out on a screen in a darkened theatre, as if this was the most natural place in the world for them to do so. And in a way, it is. We all already sort of know that, otherwise why else act? Monty might be the sexiest, most handsome boy in the entire school district, but even your kid sister could beat him up if she wanted to. So where else was he supposed to go? Plus Monty’s just got this natural charisma residing within him, existing in spades really, despite his shy and jerky nature, which is also part and parcel of what makes him so lovable. The big goofball. You can’t help but like him, that affable and easy lap dog nature of his, so ready to jump up in your lap, so ready to laconically and perpetually please you. It’s kind of nice really, at least on camera, at a comfortable distance. For the other thing about Montgomery Clift is that the guy just oozes the promise of disaster. You can literally see it coming from about a mile away. This is the type of fellow that bends down to pick up a coin on the platform while waiting for the train and then ends up falling down onto the tracks themselves below, directly into the path of the oncoming bullet. This is the type of guy who gets ejected out of fast cars and into the trunks of large stationary trees. This is the type of person who gets drunk and wakes up six days later on a beautiful beach somewhere completely naked and with no memory of anything past the first highball. This is the type of unlucky man who gets large anvils and pianos dropped on him from impossibly great heights. In short, he’s trouble prone and it’s written all over on his pretty face. By which I mean he’s a magnet for it, for these types of “accidents”, which is also part of his particular screen allure, part of his strange and peculiar charm. You just can’t stop watching him, no matter what movie he’s in, if only to see what’s going to happen next. Go ahead and try. I defy you. From his auspicious beginnings in The Search and Red River to his 12 minute penultimate performance in Judgment at Nuremberg, the man remains so compulsively watchable, you almost can’t help yourself. In his best roles, it’s as if there’s Monty first and the movie just sort of happened to wander up around him. On screen, the guy’s all coiled energy, buried in his spine somewhere, much like Brando, but unlike that actor, there’s also an incredibly delicate and tenuous element there, a sort of hysterical sensitivity, and this is due mostly, of course, to the very real fact of Monty himself being off-screen a living and breathing train wreck just waiting to happen at any given moment. And the sad part is that not only can you not help, even if you wanted to, but that also you, as voyeur, just can’t seem to take your eyes off it for the life of you, even when it begins to make your stomach roil. It makes you somehow complicit. The very phrase “train wreck” in fact, might as well have been coined for him. As well as the one that reads “not longed for this earth.” So that’s Monty. Our poor drunken angel. There should be a picture of him in the dictionary right next to the word doomed.

And so here, in A Place in the Sun, he’s cast opposite the extremely lovely and extremely talented young actress who would one day be crowned the Most Beautiful Woman in the World, Miss Elizabeth Taylor. Liz is perfectly luminous here, glowingly creamy skinned and mostly blemish free by this point as she’s also all of about eighteen years old. One can’t help but wonder if she had ever even been properly kissed yet. It’s worth mentioning that at the time of filming Monty was already eleven years her senior, which in a way turns out to be another inspired piece of casting work done on this film, a happy accident, a happenstance that Monty’s almost thirty and Liz has never even missed a curfew yet. She radiates a sort of high spirited, manic virginity here, but if you look close, there’s also something quite a bit better brewing underneath, a breath of something wicked lingering, something lecherous really, a telltale whiff of some thing entirely more delicious and divine. Her body expresses something stronger and more alluring than even the most traditional notions of American screen purity and what you seem to notice is that it’s based in some sense of pure expectancy, a yearning perhaps, to express to the waiting camera and to all of us, her raw (and God given) beautiful, healthy, and utterly feminine sexuality. Taylor was a child actress and had struggled for some time to break into her first adult role and express what she must have known would be the start of the power of her budding and obvious sensuality, later realized most magnificently and pretty much obviously in the 1963 epic Cleopatra. With A Place in the Sun however, she had finally found the window into it, the wings by which she might be able to truly take flight as an actress, to soar above herself. Every time that she’s on screen here, her character leans forward just so, just ever so slightly, inviting you of course to do the same, inviting you towards her, beckoning you ever closer with her brilliant eyes, and the sense that one gets the most from these slight but unsubtle movements is the thought that the first man or woman who might get lucky enough to have her would naturally be a very, very lucky person indeed. This would be a real thing that I’m describing here, this projected sexuality of hers. It’s vibrant, it’s visible, and it’s a decidedly tangible thing. Think Madonna here, think of the jailbait Britney Spears, back when the two of them in their respective eras had first arrived on the scene. Take that whole Lolita aspect of their work and their performances and then multiply that energy by about a thousand or so and then encase it in a soft white cotton dress hung dry on the line, in a just perfectly ravishing debutante gown draped over virgin royalty and then you’re getting close to what Liz displays here. As the viewer, even as the casual one, you find yourself drawn ever closer to her, much like Monty’s character in the film is, desperately wanting what you know you’re completely not supposed to have. It’s more than titillating, to be sure, and it’s also entirely forbidden because of her youth and her inexperience, and yet it’s also smack dab in the middle of your face, at the very bridge of your nose, with nowhere at all for you to avert your eyes to, even if you wanted to. She takes up the entire screen constantly, every frame, every time that she’s in a scene, even with other people present somehow. It’s a mystery and it’s almost blinding in its hallowed beauty. And so then what are you supposed to do here, look away? It’s a complicated and magical performance, to make a long story short, and it’s almost Medusa like in its seduction and its delivery, perhaps even more when you consider the era in which it was filmed. The other thing about it is that you can also tell that Liz is at least somewhat conscious of what she’s doing to us physically, which makes it even all the more devastating to watch for some reason. But so the point then is that this is a highly physical performance by a young and ostensibly virgin actress that is so strangely precise, so controlled, and so rich with the promise of wanton acts on her part, yet it’s still so heavily restrained (which of course makes it all the more tantalizing), that by the end of the film, if not well before, do not be surprised if you yourself personally want to rip her clothes off. There. I’ve stated it for the record. Liz Taylor is hot here and I mean hot with a capital H. And young, a child really. And adored by the camera. And you sit there and you watch and you wonder just how much of this was planned and calculated by Stevens or else by some spook at the studio, or if any of it was at all or if it’s just Hollywood magic. For this is an incredibly sexual and bizarrely un-nuanced performance that just happens to toy with one of our biggest cultural pretensions about youth in relation to sexuality itself. Any desire that you might feel for Liz Taylor on screen here stems less from how incredibly attractive you find her in this film, and boy do you ever, and more for the reasons exactly why you feel this way. It’s a direct inversion and it goes well beyond jailbait. The more that you and Montgomery can’t have of her, the more that you want. She’s womanly perfection personified, both culturally as well as physically, and the ultimate objectified beauty of her time and quite possibly several others. She’s got you. And what really makes this bind so sad and so unrequited for the viewer, this forbidden lust and hunger that you are now voyeuristically engaged in, is that deep down you know on some level that what is making her seem so beautiful and appetizingly sexual to you, the true basis for it, resides and rises in direct proportion precisely to her youth and to how absolutely unavailable she would be to you in real life. And the reality is that you KNOW it, you big perv. This is one of the film’s great unintended effects. For who would really want to be the first here? Who would really want to walk that road, to be the one to illicitly violate here, to obtain the bounty and the first fruit of Elizabeth Taylor’s budding and yearning virginity? What are you, some sort of criminal, buddy? Some sort of carnal thrill seeker? This would be a dangerous road indeed, you can just see it opening up in front of you, this path, and in the context of the film, it remains an incredibly deadly psychological effect that does not miss its mark. In short, it works. AND it appears to be mostly unintentional from a directorial standpoint, I would have to guess, this part of it anyway. George Stevens was a very talented director, though not a rocket scientist by any means, and nor was he Hitchcock, in whose hands this subject matter might have been made more revealing and expounded upon, yet it also would have likely been more unrewarding in the end. Because, you know, Hitchcock was about as subtle as a pile of bricks. It’s more than obvious that Stevens could direct and direct well, especially from good source material (witness Giant, Shane, or in fact, his entire oeuvre for further evidence of this fact), but I’m not certain that I would consider him like an expert on the psyche or on Freudian psychology or the controversial, warring nature of American sexuality or anything like that. He’s making a film about class here. Or if it’s about sex at all, the thought of that surely had to have been second or third on his list. It was all just too far in the past still, one would have to guess, this notion of film as dark, ironic comment, or of film as secret treatise, film as psychological statement qua film. Plus the standing morals of the age certainly wouldn’t have allowed it, a film like that to be made, a film let’s say, expressly ABOUT Liz Taylor’s untouched vagina and what that might mean to the rest of us. So then how did she pull it off exactly? How was she able to set a million tongues a secretly wagging, clenched back between their teeth, of course, for fear of seeming uncouth and possibly animalistic in front of their dates or their sister or whoever? How was she able to achieve this effect exactly with what must have been little direction to speak of or perhaps none at all? How did Liz Taylor get to move around in a big 1951 Hollywood production almost like it was a stag film or something? Well, simple. The answer is that she wasn’t acting. That’s Liz up there, every bit, just as she was in real life and how she would have liked to have been seen. It’s pure mythmaking magic there, magic and then nothing more. Nothing else was even necessary for her character after that, to tell you the truth, after she had established who she physically was as a woman under that dress. She does a great job acting here, of course, but because of the way she found her way into it, the rest of it didn’t matter so much. It almost had to be a piece of cake, in a way.

But so then let’s pair her with Montgomery Clift in this picture. Just for laughs, you see. Let’s pair her with the irrepressible and very gay Montgomery Clift as her leading man. Liz and Monty. Monty and Liz. This is a chemistry that just shouldn’t work at all, if you stop to think about it. Nowadays they don’t seem to care so much, apparently, but back then, you at least wanted your audience to believe that such a relationship could really happen. But here, not so much. Not by conventional logic anyway. Liz and Monty together on the surface is a very strange thing. It’s perverse and it’s odd and it’s somewhat appalling even. The queer drunken angel and the virgin nymphomaniac. The broken down street hustler and his society princess. The tramp and the lady. The lady and the tramp, both roles so easily reversed between them. The tramp and his tramp. The tramp and HER tramp. There’s something sort of evilly mirthful going on here with this casting, somebody’s saying something (you hope) about celebrity and about our society and about myth that has nothing to do with the film itself. But what’s most striking about it is that there does sort of seem to be a dark logic to it, something sort of organically Meta going on here when you really stop to notice it and this might be one of the earliest true examples of that term used correctly that I can think of. It’s almost like an early form of stunt casting, except that no one else in the film seems to be in on the joke at all. Film history would eventually record their performance here together as one of the all-time great on-screen romances, but they have earned this dubious distinction for all of the wrong reasons. When the two of them are in a scene together, sure, the film crackles and pops with a sort of palpable electricity, there truly is a charge between the two of them, one that can’t be denied, and it’s a charge so powerful that you can almost taste it in your mouth, it’s like blood or like cherries, like a shiny piece of copper, a small lightning strike running straight through your teeth. But that doesn’t make it right! For what really gets one in the stomach here is this strange, sickly feeling that said static doesn’t have anything to do with the two of them or their relationship to one another as actual characters. The physical aspects of their love story don’t seem to reflect an adult sexuality towards one another in any sort of conventional or meaningful way, but instead focuses only on their desperate and youthful yearnings. It’s almost pre-Lynchian, in a way, what happens here, and it certainly borders on the hysterical. In the context of the film, the love between them could only be based on her remarkable unspoiled state, and on his tattered and shady background, one that could possibly be defined as criminal in the eyes of her circle. Their love story at heart is not about them, but about class and social structure and so it’s frightening, almost in the way that Romeo and Juliet is frightening, but even more so here, because between Liz and Monty there’s no real love, no actual compassion towards the other and to their journey here on the planet, but rather instead it lies only in the desire to complete one’s self, to make true the wild and hungry desire that resides in both of their needy little hearts. It’s not love but addiction. It’s childish and it’s selfish and it’s cruel and it’s for sure an objectifying love, one that in the end has little to do with tenderness for the other and everything to do instead with power and with control. And then not only is it objectifying, like if that wasn’t bad enough, but once this film gets going, the love becomes PURELY objectifying, love to satisfy the character’s own needs and insecurities and so by extension, it builds in its ability to maim, to kill, and to wound, to wreck havoc in the lives of not only the parties involved here, but also in the innocent lives of the people that surround them. And the film doesn’t even try to defend this, being that it’s supposed to be about class warfare anyway, but the problem is there’s just no amount of onscreen passion between the two of them that enables you to imagine them engaging in any sort of long lasting adult sexual activity with the other or to even engage in any sort of committed adult relationship, which I suppose is the point. Together they’re both too pretty, both too vain, both too troubled. As a couple they just cancel each other out completely in the end. They’re both too well-defined in what they obviously already are as human beings, even Liz is, and so put the two of them together in real life and you might just open a wormhole somewhere. You might just cause an explosion somewhere, a ripping of fabric, and this would not a benevolent or happy thing at all. Such is the power of movies, this in the end, is what they’re for, to pretend. Unless, of course, there is a darker agenda at work here. For you see, there IS the promise of sex here, that cannot be denied. There’s loads of it actually, the screen is practically dripping with sexual tension, but said sex is just not to going to be had between these two. For in essence, what Liz and Monty really represent here, what they really are in this movie are actually caricatures of something in our culture quite larger than themselves, he the troubled and downtrodden fag, the street hustler, and she the reviled virgin whore. They’re both American archetypes of repressed sexuality here, troubled outsiders and sexual outcasts from the greater tribe at large. They themselves, of course, are not repressed at all but the society that surrounds them most certainly is. Even from the beginning of the film, you secretly want the two of them to succeed together (which definitely also speaks to something somewhere about our true nature and about the nature of this film), but it’s not because you actually believe that they’re going to settle down and raise a family somewhere. They’re too doomed, right from the start. And so you root for their relationship to make it for some other reason, simply perhaps because it stirs something deep and consequential inside of you. Their love is just so breathtaking, so tinted with the promise of youth and its failures that perhaps you just can’t help yourself. It’s so over the top libidinous, so naively conceived and so dangerously erotic, so forbidden by class and social structure, that you can’t help but hope, even though you know deep down that it is hope against hope and to even stomach watching this thing you will have to swallow no small amount of your own disbelief. Again, this is perhaps merely a testament to the secret power of movies and to the unknowable power of personality. Alone there, in the dark, with Liz and with Monty. This may well be the most intimate movie ever made. It’s between you and them and then between you and them only, and never between the people watching this with you, if any. And as much as this movie is made, strangely, to be watched alone, I would have loved to have seen it in the theater just to gauge people’s reactions, to study the ick factor concerning it. Did people talk or laugh or nudge each other? Did they titter or look around uncomfortably? Did men fidget nervously in their seats? Did women check their cleavage and draw their sweaters tighter around them? Did they speak of what they felt afterwards over fries and milkshakes? I mean, what happened here? Or did they even notice any of this at all or is it merely through a postmodern lens now that any of this is even discussable? Because what this film is, what A Place in the Sun is really all about is sexual hysteria and through that lens, it plays like a firecracker, or like a holy vision of some kind. This is a film that presages the brilliance of a gutsy masterpiece like Bonnie and Clyde by fifteen years or so, except that there’s triple the unspoken sex and sexual energy and there’s not one piece of random violence. It’s sort of eerie really, the way it seems to turn this like unnamed Hollywood held convention about moviemaking right on its ear without meaning to. Liz and Monty (and it’s always Liz first here, mind you) are just both so beautiful, so attractively childlike, angelic almost, and in just so obviously a love affair that’s doomed right from the start that maybe you just can’t help BUT pull for them, no matter what the outcome. It’s sort of visceral, this effect. It’s quite literally in the gut somewhere. The chemistry that Liz and Monty have on the screen together is so natural yet so secretly perverse that in essence they seem to form a sort of cipher. They have a secret here and you know what it is. Oh yes. Yes you do. They have a secret but they are far too young to tell it and they wouldn’t tell you anyway and they are also doomed because the irresponsible and broken youth that their love is founded upon is fading away ever so quickly and so they are running with it, through this picture and through an impossible summer, so that even as they are meant to be shown as falling in love, they are also spiraling away from their very foundations, from the worlds that made them who they were. In short, they are running towards love, towards a constructed hope and a false promise, a love that they will never reach, all the while running out of time. Yes, they have a secret here and the secret exists both in and out of the confines of the film. What happens on screen here stays on screen, but in the real world, the secret is that no matter how conventionally lovely the two of them appear to be together, the truth is that they’re secretly the biggest losers in the world. The two of them are grotesquely beautiful which is what secretly makes them gangly and misshapen and isolated and alone, forever uninvited to the big dance. Who would have the balls to ask? Monty’s the kid with the scar on his face who gets beat up after gym class every day and is also perhaps regularly molested by the neighbor while Liz is the girl that all the guys on the football team have claimed to fuck and haven’t, the girl that all the other girls just love to hate. They might as well run away together and start a club, on screen and in real life, if only so that they might have someone else to TALK to. As far as archetypes go, they’re pretty solid, each the perfect match to the other, each the other’s best friend, the one most like their wounded true self, the one most willing to empathize with it, and in the end, the one who truly knows best what it’s really like. The life inside this particular cage, gilded with fabric or otherwise. The sheer and exacting loneliness of it all, once you find out about it, once you really know the reason why. Once you know.

Are you still with me so far? I told you that this was a strange film. It is. It really is. It’s an incredibly strange and hysterical film as well, especially when one starts deconstructing it. And it gets stranger still. Because enter the other female lead here, ostensibly the one who was supposed to be the main female lead and is often credited as such (despite the presence of Queen Liz), the lovely and talented miss Shelley Winters. As legend has it, Shelley had transformed her physical appearance in order to get this part. Prior to this role, she had pretty much been known as the next blonde bombshell of her day, Universal having been carefully building her image as a sexpot, even at one point having her sharing an apartment with another up and coming starlet, the aforementioned Marilyn Monroe. When she went to audition for Stevens, who wanted her for Liz’s part as the story goes, she met him in a public place dressed in character and he hadn’t recognized her, because of course he was expecting THE Shelley Winters. He and another woman on the far end of the room, let’s call it a diner, were the only two customers in the place. He waited for her arrival for a while and ate his soup or his blue plate special or whatever and then, when he had grown weary of it and assumed he had been stood up, he paid his check and turned to go. That was when he was approached by the mousy, nondescript woman with the hairpins, standing there in her plaid pleated skirt with her bobby socks and her orthopedic Oxford shoes and she said to him, “Hello, Mr. Stevens.” Rumor has it that he offered the part to Shelley on the spot but only if she could duplicate that effect on screen, that of the mousy and forlorn nobody. The lesson here, of course, is that Shelley Winters was one hell of a serious actress and don’t you forget it. Seeing becomes believing. She wanted the part of Alice Tripp, wanted to subsume the image of herself that the studio had been crafting perhaps, and so she did what she had to do in order to get it. But interestingly, and this is when the questions begin again, it’s clearly not the main female role in this picture, though it is sometimes credited as such. She was nominated for the 1952 Best Actress Oscar for her performance, Shelley was, but it’s an award that was eventually given instead (and rightly so) to Vivien Leigh for her role as Blanche in A Streetcar Named Desire, of which I must briefly digress here, just to give you some idea of the caliber of films that Hollywood was releasing right about then and what they were all about and just to give you what I hope is a germane idea of who was starring in them and why exactly. The years of 1950 and 1951 saw the release of A Place in the Sun, A Streetcar Named Desire, The African Queen, All About Eve, The Asphalt Jungle, and Sunset Boulevard, among others. The two year period immediately following this gave us pictures such as High Noon, The Bad and the Beautiful, From Here to Eternity (also featuring Monty in another tragic role), Stalag 17, The Wild One, and Stevens own Shane. Something was clearly afoot here, something was changing. The movies themselves were changing. They were becoming more self referential, more character driven, more about themselves and the dream factory from whence they sprang. And so by extension, they became more about us as well. Growing darker in the concepts that they covered as well as darker in their execution, these films were much more existential and murkier in moral than the ones that had came before it. Suddenly every character had a large and expansive interior life that could be addressed at will and featured as part of the story line, if the filmmakers chose to do so. Not simply just the character’s history either, not just a pat back story to explain away their actions, but an entirely real and plausible present hiding behind their eyes. It was as if someone had finally figured out after Bogart and Cagney (and to a large degree, Bette Davis as well) that what really made a film protagonist essentially likeable and above all REAL was a relatable personality, good intentions or otherwise. People do not go to the movies simply to see stories of heroes and their heroics. Of course not. We go there to see ourselves, even if it is sometimes only under the pretense of “escaping”. Even the most banal, mindless comedy in the world has some element of the truth in it (and not just the truth, but YOUR truth), otherwise why the hell are you watching it? I can only surmise here that this change came about in American filmmaking and in the way that it tells its stories as a direct result of World War II and specifically because of the bomb and what we had done with it. Something about the specter and the secret thrill and adventure of death maybe, the gray murky middle grounds between good and evil where the big decisions of war are always made, I think that this must have gotten into our collective conscious as a country somehow, lodged itself under our skin and fingernails and stayed. Witness for instance the sexual undertones so obviously inherent in bombing another country, in conquering it, in violating it, in desecrating its landscape and then think of how many war movies we’ve made since 1945. It’s got to be in the hundreds. Or maybe it was that we had defeated the enemy and vanquished the evil empire and this was supposed to sustain us and keep us happy all of the time, yet it so clearly didn’t. Who’s to say really? The soul is a long dark night after all, to paraphrase, and who can say really what one would do if they had to, either to survive or else just to feel ALIVE in some small way again? For after the war and after the bomb, it seemed that acts that were once only the province of the criminal suddenly became everyone’s crimes. Our innocence had been lost somewhere and there was no going back to it. Did two wrongs make a right? Would you kill, would you lie, would you cheat, would you steal if you had to, if it meant your very survival? Or perhaps more importantly, if it meant getting what your heart secretly desired the most, if it meant fulfilling your own God given free will, your own personal will to the power and the glory that your government’s vanquishing of another had now earned you? The American Dream was alive and well and people were starting families and everyone was getting rich or at the very least getting by comfortably again and if you weren’t happy, then by God, that was you fault, because everyone else certainly was, what the hell was the matter with you then? So but if this was true, why so many dark movies then? Why so many packed houses with people laughing evilly at things that weren’t necessarily funny, and sometimes not at all? The character of Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard, for example, is not just NOT funny, but it’s also almost pathologically HYSTERICALLY FUNNY, it’s a hysterical and brilliant performance that borders on the frightening and then in the end, is also more than just a little sad. Like really sad. Like I felt bad and wanted to cry for Norma Desmond the first time I saw that as a kid. But the audiences kept rolling in, and they were not only NOT crying, but they were laughing, and laughing hysterically too, by all accounts. Same thing with All About Eve, it’s sort of funny, but it’s mostly sad and it’s fairly vicious and sort of hysterical at the same time. Yet people laughed, repeated lines. Suddenly everyone was a sophisticate, an aristocrat, a noble person of blood and of lineage, gorging themselves on pathos and gallows humor and melting Raisinets. But then so what? The so what is that this new crop of films and the stories contained there within seemed to be becoming increasingly darker, inspired by film noir perhaps and then certainly by the war, and that people were responding to them, in like, droves. As if true psychoanalysis wasn’t happening in the shrink’s office at all, but up there on the screen, perhaps where it most rightly belonged in the first place. Who knew what you could or would do if you had to? If you wanted it badly enough, if you had waited your whole miserable life? A movie might. What say we go see one? Who was to say what was wrong and what was right anymore? We all had blood on our hands now in one way or another and so perhaps it was best to just let the chips fall where they already lay. It was all situational anyway, wasn’t it? There were no real experts or authority figures anymore, no steadfast code of ethics or morals by which one might hope to construct a sympathetic protagonist, or at the very least, an HONEST one, simply because the reality was that EVERYONE was an authority or an expert in one way or another now, since everyone had now truly become the author of their own particular American lives and destinies, and looking back now, it seems that the better stories of the period tended to reflect that. Not to belabor the point anymore than I already have, but it would appear that the formula for this, the maxim that the very best writers and actors and directors of the age appeared to begin living by, was in fact, a simple reduction. Lie to your audience, boys and girls, and what you’re doing is telling a mere fable. It’s child’s play and then only that, fit for the matinee show, you’re only lying to yourself if you think otherwise. But, BUT, tell the cold, hard truth about a thing, about your characters flaws and troubles and weaknesses and what a sick son of a bitch he or she is, and now all of a sudden you’ve got yourself a story. The truth was that life was a confusing fucking place, and nobody knew anything about it really (least of all movie stars) and still don’t, and so perhaps your best bet was to try not muddle a film up too much with any of YOUR outdated notions of heroics and what a hero is supposed to MEAN exactly according to old one-dimensional constructions that were rather poorly sketched in retrospect and then also oh so easily traced along the black and white lines you cribbed them from, along outdated nexuses of what was supposed to be good, right. The truth was that films like that weren’t real life. And so then move over slapstick and move over producing simple melodrama for simple melodrama’s sake. For it was at this point that the true artists of the medium in this country, the Van Goghs and the Picassos of American cinema, began to enter the building in earnest. Looking back now, I guess we should all be grateful.

But so then the point was that A Place in the Sun and how it succeeds here where it shouldn’t is mostly because of the risks that it did decide to take, which was merely to lay the bride bare, and that this had great unintended consequences for the film and that it had started quite early on, even in the casting of the piece. Monty. Liz. Shelley. All strong personalities in their own right and all playing completely against who they truly were in real life. In a way, it’s the utter strangeness of this that makes the film that much more jarring and therefore relatable in the first place, the sense that these characters on the screen are somewhat flawed by design. The text of the film’s story does marginally lend itself to this, and it’s authentic, but then so do the personalities of the actors. Liz is very obviously a wonderfully nice person in real life (you can just tell) who just happens to be playing a spoiled bitch here. Shelley is perhaps more suited to Liz’s role, being the desirable sex-bomb type, but she is playing completely against that, against what the audience had been used to seeing from her up to that point. Monty’s the wild card, the enigma, the Hollywood revenant no one really knows and he sweats and stumbles his way through the entire film, looking for all the world like he just might throw up. It’s incredibly fascinating to watch. We open up here on Monty’s character George Eastman hitchhiking into town en route to ask his rich uncle Charles for a job at his factory, which said hitchhiking is of course an early establishing shot to his class and to his place in this society. On the road he espies a billboard for his Uncle’s factory, which manufactures women’s bathing suits of all things, with a pretty girl on it and the tagline reading “It’s an Eastman!” A shiny new convertible rolls past him with a beautiful young woman in it who honks and waves at him. I’m going to go ahead and try to skip as best I can the majority of the class symbols peppered throughout this film, simply because they’re already well documented elsewhere and secondly because they’re mostly unnecessary and in fact, a bit embarrassing now in the grand scheme of things. When George arrives at the factory, he is hassled for a bit until he presents the card that his uncle had given him when they had met in Chicago at a hotel that Charles had stayed at where George was working as a bellboy. George is escorted to the President’s office where he is told that his uncle is not at the factory that day as it turns out but instead at home. When you’re Charles Eastman, you can take off as many days as you want is the establishing message here, I’m assuming. He is invited out to the Eastman mansion instead that evening where he wears a simple tweed jacket that he had seen earlier in a store window downtown…

Thad Chadderton had keeled over suddenly one crisp morning while walking from the health food store that he frequented back to his parked Mercedes, which had been sad and more than just a little ironic, given that the official cause of death, at least according to the initial coroner’s report, had been sudden cardiac arrest and also because Chadderton had been a virtual model of good health. He exercised regularly, hitting the treadmill every morning and the heated pool at his Bel Air home almost every night, and he had drank his b12 and protein powder enhanced vegetable juice three times a day like clockwork. Just last year he had competed in the Ironman USA Triathlon held in Lake Placid and had finished in a very respectable 633rd place showing out of nearly twenty five hundred competitors. The man didn’t smoke, didn’t drink, and his team of medical specialists, to include one of the very best cardiologists in the greater Los Angeles area, had all given him a bill of almost astonishingly perfect health, were required to in fact, such were the particular regiments of Chadderton’s wellness and physical fitness program. He could not compete and would also not be insurable if his health were not in perfect condition, if he himself were not a walking specimen of ultra clean living. These had been the facts when Chadderton had pitched forward that morning, clutching his chest and cursing the sunshine, facts which had seemed so innocent at the time (hey, game show hosts die too, even perfectly healthy ones with perfectly white teeth and the constitution of a Clydesdale, what did you want?), but had later proved so troubling to the government’s research team and it hadn’t been until the following summer when they had exhumed the body in the interest of national security and performed the second autopsy that they were able to determine that the earliest victim of The Disorder (or The Disruption, as some historians preferred to call it) had in fact been Chadderton, pressing that buzzer for the last time and shuffling off this mortal coil on January 9th, 2010. He had been 57 years old.

The Disorder/Disruption had taken place during a four odd month period that had stretched from Chadderton’s death on the 9th until the last truly high profile death, that of beloved late 1980’s sitcom star Shelley Meredith, who had just recently finished filming the latest (and last) in her highly watchable series of infomercials that showcased her revolutionary new exercise program. Meredith too was in perfect shape for her age (a reported 63) and still a rather stunning beauty and had also been one of the earliest people smart enough to have leveraged their fading celebrity into a lucrative second career in the fast-paced world of televised home shopping. She was much respected in the industry for this and likely could have continued to hawk the products that she felt strongly enough about to attach her name to, had not a sudden stroke cut her down on the afternoon of April 29th. There had been a few additional scattershot deaths during that somber first week of May (the “Desmonds”, the researchers had called these), all bit players of old variety programs of the type once popular in the late seventies and early eighties (such as “Hee Haw” and “Sha Na Na”) who still made the occasional appearance in human interest segments of the local morning news roundup in the communities in which they had decided to live and less frequently, on shows like “The Informer” and “America Tonight!” as part of their once popular “Where Are They Now?” feature. Chadderton had been first, followed on the 12th of January by Kim Stewart, the popular host of her own syndicated cooking show broadcast nationally five days a week, and then on the 15th by Bela Novak, long time veteran of the talk show circuit by simple virtue of being the loquacious and extremely photogenic head animal trainer for the San Diego Zoo for more than twenty five years. It would have been one thing here if Stewart and Novak, aged 53 and 56 respectively, had not also both been in very good condition health wise, or if they had died suddenly by some tragic and unforeseen circumstance directly related to their profession, a tiger mauling perhaps in the case of Novak, or a severe concussion for Stewart caused by a blow to the head from a large falling kettle of some kind; that might have been okay. Or even a car wreck or perhaps an accidental overdose of prescription drugs, which happened often enough as it was, if it had just been something random and disconnected from what the researchers had later found, that might have somehow been better. But the truth was that without exception, all of the deaths that had occurred during the silent spring of 2010 had all been somehow gruesomely related to an abject and sudden failure of the central nervous system, though not necessarily a painful one, thirty three of them in all. Stewart had been struck by a sudden cerebral aneurysm while sleeping alone one Sunday evening and had died almost instantly. Novak from what doctors would later describe as massive internal bleeding from the sudden bursting of his carotid artery near where his long neck had met the jaw. He had drowned almost instantly. They had found him lying peacefully in the zoo’s large polar bear exhibit, curled into the snoring Chinook, the bear with one paw draped over Novak’s mid section and one of his giant hind quarters draped lazily over both of the zookeeper’s inert own. The smiling, satiated look on the bear’s face coupled with Novak’s own peacefully frozen one could only be described as beatific. The warm, musky odor rising from Chinook’s groin area smelled almost like victory. Neither had suffered too much here in the pursuit of either life or death and the sight of Novak’s blood collecting into a thin steady rivulet heading to the waters of the man-made moat below was seen later as poetic somehow, a thing to focus on and to try to make sense of. This was the image that had captivated so many and was run ad nauseum in magazines and in still shots on television programs worldwide. It had stuck with people and became a sort of meme unto itself, a way to understand and to give context to what had happened. The image of the dead man and the sleeping bear became an image to be studied, to be torn apart and artistically re-interpreted by paint and by words, a thing one almost would have to see for themselves in order to be believed. The irony was that the camera had already done most of the necessary work for you.

We at Black Swan would very much like to share the rest of this story with you but it is currently entered into a cash-paying contest by which the work is not allowed to be published in its entirety elsewhere first. We appreciate your concern and patience and above all your continued reading of this artistic endeavor. Black Swan very much wants to win and needs to eat. Thank you.

analog(ue) 1

Listen. Listen but do not listen too hard. Dragon boat, sound of the siren. Push, paddle. Wade into silence. Alarms down. Signal interrupt. Now only the wet wind is speaking. A million voices stunned into clean, rapt silence. Into awe.

Hear snap. See building collapse. See wood flood the harbor. See mud slide, mountain coming down. See roads and bridges cease. An emerald from the sea they had called you, as if culled from the secret dreams of thousands, and it sings in a voice as private as your own. Like a chant, the wind drums across the island. There had been a summoning and now something vast has answered. Do not pretend that it does not work this way. A jewel they had called you and in this they were half-right. But what they had named you is not what you are.

Listen. This is not a song of death. Things will die, but this is not a song of death.

Do not fight against it. Validate it within you and keep moving. What else is there to do? Earlier, down by the shore, you had walked down to meet it, to stare into the long maw of it one more time before it was not safe to do so. They had warned you to clear the streets, but it’s not like this was a thing that could be readily enforced. It was after all your funeral. It was whatever you had wanted it to be. Do not fight it. It is everything that you had imagined. Earlier you had walked down to the shore one last time to feel the wind whip back you hair, to stare out into the abyss of it, the long wall approaching. The rain stung your cheek and had soaked your dress. This wild wind speaking, talking, moving. Something uttered in cold precise action. Not laughing, not taunting, no anything but this, the wind, the rain, the shake. This is about anything but vengeance. And this is not a song of death.

Sky. The absence of clouds. Only this great one that had enveloped, that had swallowed the island in its eye. As if the very notion of regular clouds were just an example, merely a way of thinking of what a cloud could be. Sky. Sky as bow, trees as golden arrows, branches piercing. And land. Land in motion, a rushing of land, of mud. Land in transit, no solid ground upon which to find footing. No roads, streets as rivers. As if a dry street were just a test, a signpost, a symbol of what a street could really mean. Did you know that water could travel that fast, sluicing down canyons and corridors? You had thought maybe. You had seen the representations of this, of this movement, you had seen the pictures, the video, but never did you imagine what it might look like in person. How it might smell, the mixture. Mud, concrete, gasoline, wood, some earthy concoction of raw and natural bleach. So let it come now. Let it come and wash it all away, let it wipe clean, let it do what it was designed to and do not attempt to stand in its way. This is something larger than had been expected and something certainly larger than even us. Let the scythe meet the stalk then. Let the sky meet land. Let it do what it has come for. Let tomorrow be.

What is it that had made you feel so alive though, there on the beach? What is it that had made your jaw hum, your fingers tremble, your lungs open? What was that taste of sugar cane on your lips? The drip of aluminum in your throat? Was this just a physiological reaction to fear or was it something deeper? Here comes the flood. Here comes the ocean deep. Here comes what we had chosen not to listen to. You had said that you were ready for it and so now here it is. The great ocean. The ancient song. The hum. The inner flame. Where the foot had met sand you had felt vibration. Where the sand had seized the heel, pulling you back with it, you had felt resolution. Where the seaweed had grabbed the ankle, you had felt surrender. Speak to it now. Call it by name. Morakot. Mighty Emerald. I meditate now unto you. I surrender to you my strength. Take this prayer please. Take with you now my worshipful heart. These teeth, melt them if you wish, I cast them out of my mouth if it pleases you. Dissolve this flesh. Make me light. Call me also by my name.

But how had they not gotten out of the mountains quickly enough? Was this the fault of bad leaders or of stubborn people or of shoddy infrastructure or was it a combination of all three? Or was it something far less sinister? Was this in some way perhaps a people smart enough to understand on some level the true nature of sacrifice, of what the word meant? Four million chickens and counting, all in one day. Eighty five thousand pigs. All of this now unto you angel Morakot. There is perhaps a better name for sacrifice, but we are not willing yet to think about what that might be. We are not yet that brave. But if this destruction were to breed creation, if this cleansing were to bring renewal, by what name would we then address it? Not Morakot. Not the child. Take this roof then. Take this bridge. All of it belongs to you anyway. We are only renters here, only squatters in your eternal fury and glory, only tiny witnesses to abundance and not the makers of abundance ourselves. Not like this god. Not like these gods and their wet and lashing representative, these gods so often accused of destruction and destruction only, of not showing mercy in the face of our fragile humanity. But look closer. That motorcycle sliding out from underneath that passenger could just as easily have killed him if so inclined. That wheelchair, empty, wrecked and tangled against the shattered storefront. It could have easily been worse with someone in it. This building unoccupied because you had warned us, this building still left standing. The dysentery, the blood and the mud, this waste filled water that will miraculously not kill us all.

Look. Step closer. Walk into the waves. Let it come and surpass you. Let it come and let it go. Let it be automatic. Do not even think about it. True surrender is the absence of thought. The smell of gasoline in the air. The water running down your back. Surrender now unto it. What other choice do you have against this, any of you? Step outside and let it come. Let the water soak your head and enter between the legs. You are wet and you are a part of things, now and forever. Take what you need then, little Morakot. Take this road and take this bridge. Take it and let it satisfy. Take of what’s been offered to you here and then go. But do not forget to come back again, do not forget to return as you always do under new names and guises. Do not forget to remind us of what weather systems like this really are. A yawn. A scratch. A small shifting of weight. It is not foolish for us to pretend that you are anything greater, it is foolish for us to pretend that we are. Submit now to something larger than yourself, something larger than you had imagined, let it enter and begin its work upon you, submit now to the greatest show on earth. Admit one here. Admit now all of you. Admit true.

Our mother. Our mother who art. We build now unto you the pyre. We pile it and set ablaze. We set on fire the memory of this occasion to honor our dead and to honor you in turn. We set adrift your flowers into the sea. Please take and let it satisfy. And if it pleases, next time you can take us all. As for you, walking, there on the beach, perhaps it is time to admit what it is you know; what in some small way you know you have become. What is a beacon but a vessel? What is the darkness that came but another chapter in the continued story? What is the storm but the light of the world? As for you, you were completely ready for it. As for you, you stood calm and you had exhaled and you had looked it in the eye. You had stood arms crossed and you had hummed quietly to yourself and you had waited. You had feared not this storm, only the promise of the stronger one to come. Oh. Oh my loves, oh all that I have known here, I pray sometimes that I am not right in this though I know that I am. But I pray also that I am not wrong. I know only that it is coming and that it needs to, that it has come, that what we have waited for has begun to arrive. Oh my loves, how I know there is only one answer to this, how I know that it cannot be stopped, and to stop and acknowledge it is to be blessed by it and then it is simply a thing to be endured. How I know that this is happening. How I know that this is Her. How I know that this is about us and us only and our relationship to things and how none of it is ever personal at all. Ever.

As for you, you had answered back to it, hadn’t you? You had looked it in the eye and you had whispered please. Please and thank you. Please, this gentle scolding. It is all that we are ready for. For to you, it had felt like reclamation. It had looked and it had felt like a sort of strange redemption. It had felt fair and it had felt honest and the simple justice residing there within it had been for you like welcoming heaven. Yes heaven. Yes surrender. For you, it had felt like nothing so much as the return of an absent parent. It had felt like mother here. It had felt like the breast. It had felt like teacher and then it had felt like sleeping. It had felt like going home.

On pursuing job opportunities for writers in the digital age. A Choose Your Own Adventure book.

Men!
Great Pay for Guest Blogger
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Date: 2009-07-30, 9:50AM

For more details please respond to this ad with a brief introduction of yourself.

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Hello, my name is _____ ___________ and I am a professional freelance writer. I have had my work published on various websites and in several publications and I think that I may be a good fit for your present needs. I think that I would bring a lot of added value to your project due to my familiarity with writing for the internet as well as by the quality of my work. Please see below for a link to my fiction site. The first two short pieces that you will see on there contain intentional spelling and grammatical mistakes due to the nature of the subject matter, but everything else on there is error free in terms of grammar and syntax. Please get back to me should if you have any questions or if you think that this might be a mutually beneficial relationship for us both. Would love to write for you and am always looking for more work. Thank you very much and I hope to hear from you soon!

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Hi,

Thanks for responding. Sorry for this impersonal auto response, but
I’m expecting many responses.

I’m searching for a permanent guest blogger with a wicked pen and a
general hatred for missed deadlines. The pay is $20 per post and you
would be submitting five to ten posts per week.

It is important to note that if selected, the website you’d be writing
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this is a good fit for you.

Fit?

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Women!
Female Bloggers
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Date: 2009-07-31, 1:10AM

Clothing Company/Blog is looking for female bloggers with an attitude. Write about fashion, celebrities, technology, social media, etc. and be as truthful as you need to be. Profanity is not only allowed but It’s encouraged! Posts that generate the most responses will receive free _____ _______ Items.
Visit: ___________ and go to the Submit and Win tab (Click pass the “shop here”landing page to view website)

Fit?

Response?

+10

Make Fit?

+500,000

/rant

Live. Tonight. Sold Out. Coming at you from the stage. The beautiful Ashlee. The beautiful Breanna. They all had names like this. Ashlee. Breanna. Caylee. The beautiful Savannah. The kind of names you heard a million times on television every day, soap opera names, names that shouldn’t possibly exist outside fiction, but the sad truth was that they invariably did. This was just how that wheel got spun. And the strange part about it was that most of these names were actually real, as in they weren’t just for the stage or the moment. These were their actual names. There was a period of like ten years or so when certain parents had just started making shit up. Jaymee. Kaysey. Kammey. Kimmey. Jayden. Lots of J and K sounds. Lots of names with strong double E’s at the ends of them. Brit-ney. Lay-cee. Hay-lee. A sort of doomed pubescence to the names, a sort of pre assigned infantilism that the girls sort of willingly resigned themselves to in turn. As if that was all that they were ever going to be good for. As if this was as good as it was going to get. As if by being given this name, you forever had your future foretold for you, your life and your path and the areas of life to which you would forever be banished to. What could you do? It was your name. So why not take part in it, at least? Why not just go along? It sure made your life easier in the meantime.

The truth was that these names had less to do with the girls themselves and everything to do with their parents. Not only did you understand when it meant when you met a beautiful, blue eyed Caylee or a blond locked Jaycee for the first time, you also sort of understood something about their parents too. You also kind of got the idea of what was in a name exactly, your first inkling of it, especially when that name suggested influence, power, prosperity, ownership. These girls did not belong to you and were marked as such. These girls were destined for far greater things, far greater than you could ever possibly hope to provide anyway. These girls had fathers who made more money than yours did. These girls were already going somewhere and weren’t going to have to do much to get there, just stand and look pretty mostly, and it was a journey that need not involve you and in fact was somewhat of a socioeconomic miracle that they were even sharing the halls of this public school with you in the first place. One tax bracket higher and they wouldn’t have been here at all, but instead studying the finer points of dance and cheer in some elite private school somewhere, perhaps at the base of the Alps. This was a thing that you instinctively knew, but not a thing that could be easily named. These girls were not as nice as the girls who would talk to you, the girls who were actually your friends, but you lusted after and ogled these untouchable ones just the same. It was something that turned your stomach even then, but still you could not help yourself, hormones being hormones and all. And the funny part about it was that you pretty much wouldn’t be able to stand these girls, if you would ever be able to actually engage them in meaningful conversation of some kind, and you knew it, but that certainly did not make the lusting any less acute. You had been trained to respond to their carefully kept beauty and poised grace just the same as the rest. It was a funny thing and it was not until much later in adolescence, when you began to actually be exposed to girls of actual substance, the smart girls who you would truly fall in love with and who would make up the actual requited loves of your life, it wasn’t until then that you would begin to see these earlier crushes for whom they actually were. Less an attraction here than a duty. Less a crush than an involuntary maintaining of a carefully crafted image whose effect depended entirely on the input and responses of the surrounding culture at large. It was everybody, but you began to see your part in it too. Of course it did no good to get mad about it later, or to get disgusted, or to blame the girls themselves, these future beauty queens and television personalities who would marry and play housewife to rich and successful men that would not be you, who would have jobs that you would not want, men that you sort of already knew and despised and were despised by now. What good would it do, even talking about it really? Or getting upset? This was the way the world worked. You had found your tribe and they had found theirs and never the twain shall meet. This was just life after all. The only important part to keep in mind ever was what belonged to you and what did not. And these girls did not.

Looking back on it now, as an adult, being older and harder in many ways and less hard in others, and then also ostensibly wiser about a great many things, things that seemed so unimportant and fleeting to you then, but yet you feel less wise about the things that you were once the most convinced of. Therefore you are somehow simultaneously both more and less sure of how the world actually works. Still it is easier for you now to see the other side of things, of how the darker mechanics of those years really operated on your life, the sort of secret and unspoken ebb and flow of things. You could not stand to look at these girls, once you knew, and yet you couldn’t take your eyes off of them and this was not their fault. You could not help but love these girls and desire them and place them in your impossible fantasies and this was not their fault either nor was it even really yours. That you objectified them and adored them and then hated them and then later forgot about them, whether they grew into the life that you had imagined for them or not, and that this was nobody’s fault either. That this was about their parents and that this was about class and that this was about money and that the life of an American adolescent had been this way since, well, since forever probably. At least since we started to make a thing about it, since we had started talking about it as an actual physical place. Not the high school itself, but the years that went into them, as an actual universe unto themselves, occuping both time and space. Which they were, of course, and a terribly important time and space at that, a microcosm of the world at large, the world as it stood now and not necessarily as it could be, and so naturally it should be expected that this space would reflect the mores of the day, the prevailing views and opinions of society as a whole. But what a hell of place to live though, right? What a hell of a place to grow up. Kids beating up on other kids. Any kid who tells on another kid is a dead kid etc. This clique and that clique and this tribe and that tribe forever diplomatically warring like they were small sovereign nations or something. What are you looking at? What’s up with your friend, your pants? Sometimes I doubt your commitment to. Sometimes I doubt your commitment to. Yeah well, you had said to yourself privately, sometimes I doubt your commitment to as well. But still what the fuck are you looking at man? I mean, what the fuck is up with you anyway? You wanna go? You little faggot. Retard. Spaz. Fuckface. And yeah this means you too. And you sort of know it, though you are powerless to change it. Don’t you think he would if he could? And so. And so. And so why should the fact that you were only fifteen have made it any different here? There were levels to understanding any of it and again it was something that you couldn’t always wrap your head around at any given time or even remotely have had a conversation about with anybody older than you were, even if they had understood what you were saying, simply because you yourself did not. Not always. You did not fully understand the extent of what it all meant, the only thing that you knew for certain was that nobody else in charge of your god forsaken life really did either. Or that they might pretend to, but that their knowledge of it was fraudulent or completely out of date or at the very least suspect, because if they knew so much, then why hadn’t they done anything about it, why had they not changed it or fixed whatever it was that was wrong here, and why had they then placed you here, in the exact same broken place? Was surviving this meant to “build character” in you or something? Pretty shitty place for an object lesson, one might conclude, since the real learning didn’t have that much to do with the actual classroom to begin with. You had survived the day not getting your ass kicked or having your books sent flying or teased or embarrassed by bully or teacher alike. Congratulations. You made it home. Want a cookie? Why not just club the adolescent male on the head and hand him a shovel and tell him to get to work already, if he was not here in this place to actually learn something useful? Or was this actually the instruction? These little survival lessons. These girls who were not for you. These boys who were not you and not your friends, not really, not at the end of it, each so carefully already groomed for success. What was their secret? These kids with parents who made more money than your own parents did and hated your parents without meeting them, you thought, and you would have been mortified should any such actual meeting occur anyway and your parents of course obviously hating them anonymously in turn, you felt, for no other reason but this, for the reason that they were all probably in direct competition with each other too, each and every day for their own measly slice of that American pie. And so too then were their kids, by extension, but for far lesser stakes. And so who were you to complain about it then? What to make of it? What to say? Was it not an interesting fact the kids who would eventually make up your inner circle would have parents that your parents seemed to get along with just fine? What was that? What did proximity even mean? What were neighborhoods about? What was public school even for then? You could just stay home all day and learn on the block. It was sort of safer in a way. School was like some weird audition for life, some bizarre debutante ball and everyone was invited and you went and you collected dance cards and you gave out your own to whomever would take one and you threw your keys in the bowl same as everyone else, but the results always came back looking just the same, like they were already pre-arranged to begin with, like none of it was an accident, so why even bother in the first place? No happenstance, no chance, no hope of esacping circumstance. Just the motions. So what was all of this about then? Kicks? Fun? You sure weren’t having any.

The worst part was that you had to keep your mouth shut. Even when it was obvious. Why were you not allowed to speak of it, even when what was happening here was so clearly evident to anyone even mildly awake? The untouchable girls. Ashlee. Breanna. Caylee. Who were these people? Where had they come from? Why had their parents done this to their children and why hadn’t anyone done it for you? Even when you had wised up and joined theatre or the a/v club or something, and stood slouching in the parking lot, leaning against your friends Volkswagen and smoking cigarettes, trying to look cool, the sight of one of these long-legged beauties still filled you with longing and shame and terror and disgust, and this disgust felt wholly towards yourself. Why should you care so much? Why were you still so simultaneously attracted to and repelled by that which was not meant for you? And why couldn’t you say anything about it? Why did these girls, these objects of furtive and furious self-abuse sessions on your part, why did they seem so not longed for you and in a way, not even longed to be anything but what they already were, here, at this moment? Why did they seem at times, these girls that everybody wanted to touch, no matter what they proclaimed in public, to be even less than girls and more like representatives of some shadowy, unspoken ideal? You didn’t know what it was, because you couldn’t bring it up, but it haunted and perplexed you just the same. These girls were stars already, celebrities almost, and you, you could barely get your hair right. And it was weirdly mimetic, pandemic almost, the way the other girls (the lesser girls?) fell in line with this, aping the popular, beautiful ones with deadly accuracy, a sort of pantomime that didn’t have anything real to do with them either, but perhaps one they felt they had to get behind just the same. To not do so would be to risk what? Being cast out? Not measuring up to the bar and where it had so clearly already been set? You got the idea that girls started in on this shit with each other way earlier than you boys did, that they understood the rules of the game much, much earlier than you, and so had already accepted it, internalized it, the natural order of things, and had moved on. Because to have NOT done so would have been tantamount to engaging in a sort of slow suicide, socially speaking, and this you understood all too well. Wasn’t it funny that the girls that you actually did relate to, the girls who actually would think about you in that way, were also the ones that you had no romantic or physical interest in at all? And why these smart girls always so condemned? Why always left so lonely? Wasn’t it funny that these girls, the ones who were your actual fucking friends mind you, had it much harder than you to begin with and always had? Think about it. What did it mean when a girl who wasn’t one of the super girls and didn’t or couldn’t or even bravely refused to play the game and was labeled a freak by the popular kids at large, actually liked YOU? And then was sort of kept waiting around for you or else coming back after you had rebuked her and you were too dumb to see it or else you did see it and were either too cruel even to acknowledge it or else you ignored it because you did not feel it back or perhaps if you were a real bastard, more so than most teenage boys anyways, you did engage them and allowed them their interest and then you refused them and let them come back to you time and time again, like the most spineless coward inside imaginable, simply because now you had your own admirer too? Jesus. What a fucked up game it all was. Where even to begin? The only thing that was true was that you were guilty too. You played along.

But these girls. These beautiful girls who you once knew every square inch of in your mind and pretended to know their innermost private thoughts and secrets as well. What ever became of them? You had imagined then, of course, that they were all destined for lives of glamour as sorority sisters and then later, as rich wives of successful bank presidents or something so you couldn’t really feel too sorry for them. Even though you did later, just a little. What a life of tedium and boredom that must have been. What a colossal waste of time. Was this what they had wanted? Better you than them then. But if not, then why not? Why had they not made any move to stop it, why had they not asserted themselves and their own personalities and agenda if it had in fact been there? Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe that life was all they had ever hoped for, or planned for, or dreamt about. Maybe they had enjoyed it, at first, the attention. I mean, who wouldn’t? Or maybe it was a role that they had been ascribed to and couldn’t break out of, no matter how hard they tried, and this was sad too, but still, it wasn’t a life completely devoid of merit. Or maybe the truth was that you just hadn’t looked close enough. Repeat the names again now in your mind and let the faces come back. Whichever ones you remember. Ashlee. Breanna. Caylee. Kaysey. Jaymee. Jayden. Jordyn. Kassidy. Lacey. Haylee. Natalee. Savannah. These are not the names of bankers’ wives, are they? These are not the names of anyone that you actually know now in real life at all, not really. No offense to anyone reading this whose name might be a permutation of one of these, as it’s only an example, but let’s just get it out of the way and say that there are names and there are people behind those names. There are banker’s wives and then there are bankers. The names here are not the names one would expect from a wife of a banker or from a banker herself. Or a doctor. Or a lawyer. And that is perhaps the greatest shame. No, these are names that were more or less made up in America in the last quarter of the century, names with no real history or weight behind them, influenced by infotainment and the porn aestheic, names that are of no other time or place but right now, today, this very minute. These were names that belonged to beauty pageants and then to strip clubs, we might as well admit it, and so what does all that mean? It means that these girls were not your children. That these were someone else’s. But so now ask the questions that you had wanted to then, the ones that you did not think you were allowed to, and scream them into being outside the silence of your own head. Why? Why had your parents done that to you? How did it feel, the number? What were they trying to predict for you? Why had they cast you into that role? Why had they chosen it for you? Had you let them do it easily or did you fight against it or did a part of you want it too? What ever became of it? Did you ever snap to and fight back? Did you ever scream inside at the void, at the hollowness of it all, and if so, did you do it out loud? Did you do it then or was it later, and if it was later, how much later? Was it too late for you by then? Why had they dressed you like that? Why had they helped sexualize your appearance, at such a tender age? Why had they starved you? Was it intentional? Did you go along? How much of it was you and how much your folks? Why had they set you up as an object of fetish, of adoration? Had they asked your permission for it? Had you given it? Ask these girls now the questions that they might not even have the answers to, but ask them anyway. Should you have been a son? Should you? And speaking of, why does art that dares to attempt to broach any of this, to speak the truth with any sort of prescience or real relevancy, why does it always seem so harrowing to us, like a vision or some sort of maniacal glimpse of the future? Why does watching others actively engaging in the cure seem so much harder than just admitting the disease? Why is it so hard for us to talk about what is right out there in front of our faces? Is it something that we truly do not want to address in ourselves? Why no middle ground here? Why always so destined, our too pretty girls, for either stage or for screen or else for missing persons reports or else sudden abject violence, the butt of the pistol, the abrupt hard bottom of the cold, darkened lake? What is that? Why? Why is that? Why do we kill what it is that we set ourselves up to desire the most? Why do we kill at all, of course, but especially why there? Is it we, is it they, is it them, is it us? is it all of us together? Is it a house with only one real victim, womankind itself, but with many, many hands at the blade? Is it that on some level we understand the fallacy, the flaw; the strange mocking savageness of what we’ve done wrong here in adopting this culture, the sheepish, complicit guilt in that which has failed us? Ashlee. Bryanna. Caylee. Kaysey. Jaymee. Jayden. Jordyn. Kassidy. Lacey. Haylee. Natalee. Savannah. Why did the daddy seem to love and hate you in such equal amounts? Why is the mommy forced to participate in it? Or is it the other way around? Why is it that the master and his brethren seem to take such joy in destroying what it is that they so wondrously create? Are the gods that we have used to replace the older, less useful gods, are they gods at all? Or are they just merely altars of sacrifice? A ravished rotating maw to be eternally fed and nourished with the blood of the new and the young? Or is it just us? Is it just me and is it just you, helplessly watching the whole thing go down in flames, stoking the flames, feeding it with our curiousity, our insatiable thirst and gnawing lust for that which is both real AND beautiful, even though we’ve got the two horribly and perhaps irrevocably confused? What is it that we have wrought here? What is it that has gone wrong inside? What?

But. But if these days feel like the end of an empire. And if so, then perhaps an acceleration of things that will feel like nothing to you because you already know what to expect. Because you already know what it feels like. Living this way, the way that we do now, is like carrying a small corner of the apocalypse around with you in a corner of your heart all the time. Anything could happen, anyplace, anytime. It’s literally exhausting. Perhaps it will be then an acceleration of things and then a contraction and after that round round we go where we stop nobody knows. But. But so then. But so all things being equal and so then even the animals beginning to notice the waters start to rise. So what? So then what then? What ever will you do about it? But here. Look. If you are here and it is now, then it is here and you are now. And if so, then there is one hope and one hope only. You are here and you are alive, in this time and in this place, and you are reading these words in real time. It is Live. It is All Access. It is better than more entertainment tonight. And so there is a thing that you can do. And so today you should begin it. So that we might begin to unlearn a thing that we have no use for anymore. And so you may as well ask yourself for it, because that is where these changes always begin, in your own mind and in your own heart, and in your own true eyes that have never really forgotten just what it means to actually see. What that word means. Because, you see, it is you now and only you now in the end and you always knew that this day would come and so now it is in your hands. And so you may as well start asking questions of that other too, of the hand that you have fed and that you have fed from so easily in return. No one’s saying bite here, not by any means, but maybe just go take a long hard look at it. Because really. What could it possibly hurt at this point? What could it matter? What is it that is left here that you might still be afraid of losing? What? Belief?

For Jake.

Hey you. I got your message. Is okay. I understand. I’ve been going through it a lot lately too, as I know you know. I just had to take a break and chill out for a couple of hours myself. Feel better now. But still I feel like there’s a thing that I want to convince you of, a thing we were talking about earlier, even though I’m not sure if it’s entirely the truth. But hear me out. I get the feeling lately that if you are truly awake and aware right now in this society, then you are in the process of suffering just a bit, because what you see and are feeling is at complete odds with the currently established paradigm. Like we were talking about earlier, there just comes a point when you just can’t DO it anymore. You just don’t have it in you. You can’t keep chasing this version of a worn-out dream or some acceptable, established way of living if it just doesn’t ring true to you anymore, if it doesn’t seem to make any spiritual or emotional sense. And that this is especially true when the carrot at the end of that stick isn’t even a thing that you really want.

There’s this thing that I used to say all the time that if someone suddenly gave me a vast fortune, like say ten million dollars or something, that I would just give most of it away. And I would, of course, not just because I have my causes and the things that I believe in and all that and not just because taking care of that kind of money is a full time job. It’s more that I really don’t need all that much to live on. Just give me like a million or so, so that I can take care of my family and then give the rest to charity, to AIDS research or to Amnesty or Greenpeace or something. Feed the world. And you know what? I have always sort of prided myself on being the kind of person who could really say in all honesty, “hey, winning the lottery wouldn’t change me all that much. Yeah I’d quit this crap job, but I wouldn’t like live extravagantly or anything.” And then I would say something like that and inevitably get into one of those horrible little reductionist arguments with somebody about how once I got a taste of the good life, it would never be enough for me. I would need the houses, the cars, the bling etc just to be happy, just to keep up with what’s expected of me. And I would have to begrudgingly admit that yeah, they were probably right, especially if I wanted to get out of the conversation in a timely fashion. But you know what? Sometime over the last few years, something in me really has changed and that outlook that I had and continue to have on money is somehow truer than ever, though the change is something perhaps more beautiful and insidious than I could have ever imagined. Now it’s not that I just don’t need the trappings of the lifestyles of the rich and the famous that we were raised as a generation to seek, it’s that I don’t even WANT them. Big houses, fancy cars, oversized everything. It just looks like some kind of weird porn to me, like something impossibly hollow and plastic, and it just leaves me feeling empty and a little sick inside. This isn’t like lowered expectations or anything; it’s that I think that I have been cured of like the pursuit of excess or something. Of American need, greed, etc. I just don’t want it anymore. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t want it or need it in my life. I feel better not even paying attention to it most of the time, if you want the truth. Not chasing it. Not looking at it as a solution to what ails you. It typically doesn’t help you anyway, just makes the whole goddamned thing worse in the end, if you know what I mean.

But so anyway, the reason I tell you this now is because I think that this happened to me because of trial, because of what I’ve been through, because of what I’ve put myself through. Because of having to live without. Because of having to decide what was really most important to me. I think that this could happen to anybody and likely will continue to as people keep waking up from this old dream of what isn’t working and start to see the world how it really is and that this is not necessarily rooted in the materialistic. Addiction and longing and naked ambition, they come in many forms, especially when they’ve been drilled into your head as some sort of ideal for living, as some sort of way to be successful, or to “make it” in this society. But if society is changing, if geopolitics are changing, if consciousness truly is changing (and I think that it is), then why shouldn’t it hurt at first? If you are awake and bothered by things and have things that bother you about the world and you make decisions accordingly and take up political and social causes and vote with your wallet etc, why shouldn’t the same thing be happening to you internally? Why shouldn’t the change that you are trying to be, the external change that you are trying to affect in the world, why shouldn’t it also be happening to you and then to you first? I know that this sounds really basic to you and maybe sort of pedantic given the circumstances, but just think about if for a second. If you have lost the will to consume, to turn on the television, to have your mind numbed by the same old soul crushing bullshit day in and day out. If processed food leaves a weird taste in your mouth. If you notice that little kids everywhere seem to be smarter and more self aware than they used to be. If you don’t care about pop culture and the tabloid news of the day etc, then what does that make you? Depressed? Do you need to be fixed up with medication so that you can start consuming again? I feel like it’s no accident that a significant percentage of our country’s drug addicts were highly intelligent and/or sensitive people first. But so I guess the point that I am making is why shouldn’t you be sad? Or manic? Why shouldn’t any of us? Being alive right now and having no way to filter the bullshit is enough to make anyone crazy. It’s not just that the popular entertainments of this world are vapid or distractions, it’s that they’re a lie too. Because distraction from what? Something light hearted is supposed to be just that, a thing to take your mind off the stresses and little boredoms and petty victories of your daily life. But if it’s your daily life that’s all fucked up, if you’ve been trained to want and need a thing that you do not, and then to have to sit and laugh at something that is essentially NOT funny, then where does that leave you? Well, it leaves you sad for one. And at odds with life for another. And disconnected and more than just a little crazy inside, especially if you don’t have a quality support system of like minded people around you. But so then the question remains. Who COULD be expected to live like this? It’s one thing if you’re plugging in to TV, movies, internet, the culture of entertainment at large to escape or to chill out or to just veg for awhile and not try to look too hard for any deep answers to life’s problems. It’s another if the whole culture at large is like that. If there are no deep answers to life’s most perplexing problems because we’ve been carefully ignoring and weeding them out for a really long time now, the questions, that is. It’s not just life after God, this consumerist society of ours, because who cares, that’s personal anyway. It’s more like life after thinking. It’s like life after caring. It’s irony and then it’s ennui to the nth degree. And therein lays the problem. Why shouldn’t you be sad right now? You’re awake. People have killed themselves for less than this, artists mostly, to escape this exact kind of psychic pain. Why did you care so much about the making of art and music in the first place, for instance? It was raw and it was real and it detoxified your spirit. It was like a method of purifying; a sort of cathartic therapy. But you could still live in the confines of what you had to do to make a dollar here or there, to coexist peacefully with your fellow man. But what do you do now when all of the easy dollars have gone away? What do you do when what you have to do in order to make a buck or to survive is completely at odds with your belief system? I saw the best minds of my generation writing copy for retards and working at ______ etc. And so it’s completely natural to want to run or to turn in disgust, to get frustrated and recoil, to feel revulsion, to withdraw. It’s to be expected, given the circumstances. But most of all, it’s completely natural to get sad, no matter what’s going on. Sad is good. Sad means that you’re stripping away the bullshit and beginning the real work of your life. Because who awake here among us wouldn’t be upset right now? Shit’s all fucked up. It is. But maybe together we can make it better. Anyway, I hope that you can take some comfort in this at least today, that you are not alone in this, that I am thinking of you, that you are not the only one. I hope that you can anyway.

Which I guess is mostly my overall thesis here, come to think of it. Yeah, I know that life sucks and is hard right now. And I know that sometimes it seems to want to take from you more than you have to give. But the weird thing about going through things is that you have to go through them, no matter what it takes. And that you sort of do this alone. And the truth of the matter is if you were happy right now and didn’t have a care in the world and thought everything was fine, then I would probably think that you were crazy or stupid or at the very least in denial. Because things are anything but fine right now. But they will be. And we’ll keep making them better every single day. If not for us, then for our kids. Because I think we have to. Because I feel that we have a strange obligation to do so. I don’t want another generation of sad people like this. I don’t want my kids to grow up into this. Anxious and living in fear all the time and always worried about getting caught or like found out or something or else just wondering exactly what the proper behavior is at any given time, how best to assimilate and fit in. How to be happy through the ephemera of popular culture and the steady over-consumption of things that they don’t need in the first place, things that aren’t even really all that good for them, particularly not to excess, and that they may even be bad considering the extent that they are readily available everywhere and all of the time. Center can’t hold here. And so we are starting a new life here on the fringes and on the outposts and maybe it can be a thing that spreads. And everybody is free to join and might have to if they want to keep this planet going. Adapt or die. Live simply. Turn off, tune in, detoxify. It’s almost like the sixties all over again, but the thing that really needs to be shed now is not just the external fight between warring peoples and cultures, but also the shame and almost unspeakable unhappiness of our own inner lives. This is a great country and this is a bright blue beautiful world, but the way that we are running it just won’t work anymore. It’s not sustainable, this system, and it is killing us slowly and so it has to change or perish and by extension, so do we. We have to change our selves. Anyway. I know you know and I don’t want to sound more like a blowhard here than I already do. I just wanted to take a minute to remind you of the truth, of YOUR truth, of what you have given so freely to others and what you must now listen to in yourself. We all need it every once in awhile, I think, this reminder. Anyway, my thoughts and my prayers are with you, as always. Do not give up hope. And come home soon kid. I love and miss you very much. We all do. Okay. Talk more soon. I got my phone with me. Night.

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“My wife has been working in a fairly large hospital in _______ for about a year now, and every night when she comes home she has tons of pens in her pockets that are essentially ads for various drugs. I started to collect these pens, about 50 pens per week. Whenever I get a new one, I add it to the pile, and discard the duplicates. The best part about these pens is the amount of thought that goes into them. One for A____ (a popular sleep aid) has comforting colors and a very soft grip, while a pen for V_____ is extremely hard and, quite noticeably, had weight added to it.

_____ _______”

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For anyone who has suffered from Severe Chronic Depression and Chronic Fatigue like me, my answer was, ________60mgs, _______ 2 1/2 mgs in the morning. I am not depressed anymore & I have energy to go all day. At bedtime I take 10 mgs _______ (generic ______) to come down and I wake up refreshed. It might not work for everyone but I have never felt better in my life.

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Suffer with Major Deppression and Severe Anxiety only started this drug 1 week ago. I can already see a major difference. I take 5 mg w/ anti deppr meds and _____, upset stomache getting better,I have more energy not less, more motivation. huge difference in how I feel. Before this med hadn’t left the house in weeks. So far its been wonder med along with others. Take ______ to sleep.

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I have been on _______, 20 mg/day for depression. It helped a lot, but adding _______ brought my mood up to a whole new level. I haven’t felt this good in years. I am only on 2.5 mg/day. (I cut a 5 mg pill in half)..and have been on the drug only about ten days. I feel a huge difference already. I had trouble getting out of bed and starting my day before, now I am up early and anxious to get the day going, excited about life again. I feel more energetic than I have in years. A couple of downsides I have noticed: It seems like most reviews say that the drug makes them tired, but I seem to be having the opposite issue, insomnia. I now take it in the morning, and hopefully that will help. I am also experiencing constipation, which is one of the possible side effects. As far as I am concerned though, it’s all worth it, this drug is a wonder drug for me!

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This medication worked for me! But it also made me extremely tired (I often fell asleep at work!) and I gained 35 lbs. I even tried exercising more and watching what I ate, but I just kept gaining weight. I stopped taking this medicine because I couldn’t stand the weight gain and the excessive sleepiness was affecting my ability to function normally.

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This drug works very good for me, however, if I miss just one dose, I can feel the loss of effects. I recommend ________ but it is best to take it daily without missing even a day. Try to take it at the same time everyday.

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This medication was prescribed for my 6-year old son who had SEVERE anger issues. He is a totally different child. A little drowsiness is worth him feeling like a normal little boy!

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i have been taking a sh&%load of meds and to no avail – _______ really seems to help with my suicidal depression, i feel i can cope and am very happy with it also taking _______ and ________.

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At 14 our son began taking ________ for ADHD. At 16 our son was diagnosed as Bipolar and began taking _________. At the age of 17 _______ was added. After taking _______ along with _________ and ________ for several months the dosage of _______ was increased from 5mg to 10mg. Sadly within 36 hours (Friday pm to Sunday am) he committed suicide. After the tragedy had occurred two people came forward to tell us that he had complained that his medication was making him feel unstable. In retrospect we recall that there was a noticeable increase in volatility within just 24 hours. The event that triggered suicide occurred 36 hours after the increase, when he wrecked his car. When he arrived home after wrecking his car it was apparent that he was not himself. He was extremely agitated and irrational and within 10 minutes had taken his life. Although we were taken aback by the increase in mood swings, we did not associate his behavior with the increase of his medication. I believe this tragedy may have been avoided if the Dr. prescribing this med had clearly informed us of the warning signs associated with the increase in dosage. When we notified the Dr. of the tragedy his response was shock and disbelief. He stated that he believed our son was “doing so well”. It seems apparent to me that the doctor had become comfortable in his Dr/Patient relationship with our son and therefore may have minimized the warnings and risks associated with _______ when taken by teens. My intention is not to place blame but rather to highlight the need for better communication between Dr’s and both patients and parents. Warning signs and side effects should be clearly stated each time there is a change/increase regardless of the length of time the patient has been taking the medication.

__________ __________

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“The new game looks like this: dinners with practitioners are limited to $125 per head and must have a “speaker” (another physician paid to speak on the drug’s behalf) in attendance. Giveaways are limited to “practice-related items”—gone are the flashlights, golf balls, beach towels and sunglasses. Now we have pens, notepads, and miscellaneous other junk that we bribe the stuff with. The best “selling tools” are the patient questionnaires that ask such broad questions that everyone would have the disease that the drug treated. No wonder everyone in America is depressed—the drug companies create the market! My manager loves to see every single surface in the patient waiting area plastered with drug literature. He would often say “we owned the office” if we had more junk there than the competing drug rep…

To make matters more interesting, Big Pharma purchases weekly data from the pharmacies. This data is so involved that it lists the physician’s name, drug class, and prescriptions for competing products. The reps get physicians to admit why they wrote for another drug instead of your own. Then we manipulate the practitioner to write only the promoted drug to anyone with a pulse. All of this is practiced to take less than a minute, unless you buy the office lunch. Then you have at least half an hour to discuss how your drug brings dead people back to life…

________ _____
_________, ________, USA”

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THIS MEDICATION ALMOST HAD ME CRAZY. I’M NOT BIPOLAR OR SCHIZOPHRENIC. I WAS GIVEN THIS MED TO HELP WITH DEPRESSION AND IT MADE ME SO MUCH WORSE. I THINK DOCTORS OUT SIDE OF PSHYCHIATRIC PRACTICE SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO PRESCRIBE THIS MED. I FELT LIKE A ZOMBIE. I HAD CONFUSION, WAS UNABLE TO FOCUS OR CONCENTRATE. I DID UNCHARACTERIST THINGS FOR ME,FORGETTING THINGS,LOSING WALLET AND KEYS, THESE ARE THINGS I DON’T DO. I WAS UNABLE TO WORK,UNABLE TO MAINTAIN MY HOME IN MY NORMAL FASHION. I FELT COMPLETELY ABNORMAL, LIKE I WAS GOING TO JUMP OUT OF MY SKIN. WHEN I WAS STANDING I WANTED TO SIT, WHEN I WAS SITTING I WANTED TO STAND. IT WAS HORRIBLE. I HAVE BEEN OFF _______ FOR 3 DAYS NOW AND ALREADY FEEL SOMEWHAT BETTER BUT I’M NOT BACK 100%. PLEASE EDUCATE PHYSICIANS THAT THIS IS NOT A MED TO PLAY AROUND WITH ON THEIR PATIENTS. THANK YOU

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Although the ________ did treat my depression to the point that I could function once again, I do have a couple of major complaints. There was not nearly enough information provided to me regarding side effects. I am someone who actually reads the pamphlet that the pharmacist gives you. No where to be found are the severe impact it can have on your weight. Over time, and I have been on it approximately 18 months. Upon further investigation on my part, I have found that ________ actually enters your fat cells and STAYS THERE! OVER TIME the weight creeps on and on. To top that off are the severe side effects when you are trying to ween yourself off of it. For example, I have gained 15 POUNDS in the two weeks while trying to eliminate ________ from my life. Not to mention the other awful side effects: brain zaps, mood swings, high blood pressure, urge to urinate one second & not making it to the bathroom the next, diahrea, joint pain, brain fog, adema, slurred speech and others. Think twice before using this drug. In the 18 months that I have been taking it I have gained 34 pounds. On a 5’1″ frame thats another whole person practically. I was in a size 6-8 petite, and now I am busting out size 16′s. Talk about a reason to be depressed!!! It’s been 17 days and the brain zaps are almost gone and I am “starting” to feel like myself again-except for the weight gain. If I was eating carbs, sweets, etc. that would be one thing. But I follow a high protein, high vegetable diet. Really consider the consequences.

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started taking ________ 30mg then to 60mg. It worked wonders for about 2 or 3 months. Since then I am living in my own HELL trying to get off of it. I recommend anyone that is thinking of trying this, PLEASE look it up online! I am not the only one going through this. The withdrawal symptoms are so severe I keep giving in and finally taking it again just to feel some relief. This time I am not going back. I want this horrible drug out of my system. When I was on it I couldn’t sleep. I tried ______ and _______, and they didn’t work. The withdrawal symptoms include horrible physical pain and weakness, intense periods of depression and crying. Feeling like you are lost. If anyone has ever seen a ________ commercial, thats exactly what you will feel like when you try to wean yourself off of it. I hope this can be helpful to anyone.

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_______ Tablets are available in 2 mg, 5 mg, 10 mg, 15 mg, 20 mg, and 30 mg strengths. Inactive ingredients include cornstarch, hydroxypropyl cellulose, lactose monohydrate, magnesium stearate, and microcrystalline cellulose. Colorants include ferric oxide (yellow or red) and FD&C Blue No.2 Aluminum Lake.

_______ ________Orally Disintegrating Tablets are available in 10 mg and 15 mg strengths. Inactive ingredients include acesulfame potassium, aspartame, calcium silicate, croscarmellose sodium, crospovidone, crème de vanilla (natural and artificial flavors), magnesium stearate, microcrystalline cellulose, silicon dioxide, tartaric acid, and xylitol. Colorants include ferric oxide (yellow or red) and FD&C Blue No.2 Aluminum Lake.

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“See the problem is that you got this one guy over here making over a million dollars a year on this and this other guy clearing almost two and everyone knows that you’re supposed to be reporting how much of it comes from the drug companies, but these guys aren’t stupid. The practice of medicine is lucrative, but it’s MEDICATION that’ll make you rich. And then these doctors at the universities conducting the clinical trials, they’re in it twice. They double dip. They get the research grant from the government to conduct the trial and who knows where all that money goes exactly and then they’re lining their pockets with slush from the pharmaceutical industry for doing it. Do you know how much money the NIH gave out in grants last year? Something like 25 billion. That’s serious money. I mean…” pause, exhale, looking helpless and more than just a little bit defeated here “…that’s really serious money. It’s like a box you open and then there’s no way to close it. And believe me, the corruption is the least of our worries. It’s public health. It’s our kids. We start them on this shit that has totally unproven side effects long term, I mean, some of the statistics are starting to come in and they don’t look all that good, not to me anyway. But we start the cycle of medication in the kids anyway, in the bodies of those still going through development and never even give one thought to what the long term consequences might be. I mean it’s really kind of ludicrous. AND scary when you think about it. I mean, I’M outraged. Are you? Is anybody else? What is it about our culture that allows this, that is okay with it happening, and then not want to look at the whole picture, at what it is we’re really doing here? Why are we doping up our kids so much? Do they need it that badly? Or is the demand being created by the drug companies themselves? And if our kids really ARE that sick, then so are we. Then we got a sick society, like we’ve been talking about. I mean, what’s wrong with US then? You know?”

____ _______ (by request)

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I am 21 years old. I used to be very dependent on _______. I started out just popping a couple _______ or _________ with my friends for fun. Before long i was withdrawling and my single focus was to get more pills. not long after that i ran out of my supply of pills. long story short- within 2 years i was jobless, shooting ______, and popping stolen ________ all day. my life was a mess of pills, needles, withdrawl pain, greedy drug dealers, and lots of trouble with the police. It seemed that every new day was the worst day of my life I thank god my parents made me go to rehab instead of telling me to get lost. it made me realize i needed to stop or i was going to die or end up in jail. when i got out of rehab i was still withdrawling physically and mentally from the _______. i relapsed but eventually found the right help i needed which was a doctor who can prescribe ________. ________ eliminated every last bit of withdrawl pain and mental craving to get high. I really beleive this medicine saved my life from my own addictive behavior. I am now clean and have been for 10 months I still take my prescribed ________ and see my doctor every month for drug testing and a check up. i also have a new job landscaping. i am grateful for ________.

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I was up to 20-25 10-325 ______ a day. I heard about this when I went looking for my next fix at a new docs office. I had had it with just surviving so I gave it a shot. The key is you have to be in withdrawl in order for it to work. At least moderately. That part sucked but the way the symptoms disappeared after the first dose? Amazing. The only problem I am having now is, I am kind of a depressed person. The opiates for the most part made me feel euphoric and happy. Not having that anymore sometimes makes me want to go back and use but all I have to do is look at my kids and that’s all smashed. It is a great drug. Expensive though but then again compared to the price I was paying on the street for pills and or scripts. Nothing compares. If you are considering it, do it. You will not be upset. Just make sure you are in withdrawl and have not used for at least 24 hours or it will make you sick. Peace.

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I started ________ 3-2mgs a day one year ago Dec 07 to get off of ___________ addiction. I have been an addict for 20 years just with ___________. 15-20 pills a day. Doctor said it would help me. I found it to be a curse. Everyone’s testimonials think this is great, and they are drug free, but they are NOT. Try stop taking it and then see how you feel. If ________ was non addictive, you would have no withdrawal symptoms at all when you stop. I wish I never would have started this. So afraid to stop taking it. when I cut down, I get seriously ill. My life is worse now than ever. I am losing my job, over non functioning at a fast productive rate, and my finances have been forcing me to apply for bankruptcy. My life is shattering around me. I would love someone to tell me how to stop it totally. Please help. I want my life back. I am always foggy.I cannot think clearly or smart for that matter. This drug is stronger than any drug I have ever taken. Do not be fooled by it. Everyone is saying it is a miracle drug. It is just like _________ with the withdrawals just as severe. I would have been better off, not starting this, and just going off of the ___________, and dealing with those withdrawals instead of these. Please someone tell me how to go off of these. I need to stop these, and my doctor seems to think I should continue on these. Sure he does, he gets a huge kickback from the drug company I am sure. Someone answer to mine and let me know how to safely slowly go off of these. thank you.

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________ sublingual tablets contain _____________ HCI and ________ HCI dihydrate at a ratio of 4:1 _____________: ________ (ratio of free bases).

_______ sublingual tablets contain _____________ HCI. _____________ is a partial agonist at the mu-opioid receptor and an antagonist at the kappa-opioid receptor. ________ is an antagonist at the mu-opioid receptor.

_____________ is a Schedule III narcotic under the Controlled Substances Act.

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i was a junkbomb for thirty years! shot ______ every day for thirty years started ________ 8mos ago am on 40mg daily this is a miracle drug i am getting respect!my family and friends love me again and i love them too.i now know what love is and to give it back jack

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________ is an uncoated _________ shaped tablet intended for sublingual administration. It is available in two dosage strengths, 2 mg _____________ with 0.5 mg ________, and 8 mg _____________ with 2 mg ________ free bases. Each tablet also contains lactose, mannitol, cornstarch, povidone K30, citric acid, sodium citrate< FD&C Yellow N0.6 color, magnesium stearate, and the tablets also contain ____________ sweetener and a lemon / lime flavor.

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i was addicted to _____’s for 4-5 years. 20-30 per day.i tryed to qiit on my own. i would get down to 8 or 9 per day[10mg]and the next week right back up to 20 and more.seen doctor on a friday afternoon. was in withdraw took one 8mg of ________ at noon, 1pm withdraws were gone and i felt great. the best i felt in years. i chose to use ________’s for a detox.i didn’t want to use for a long time. took 2 per day for 2 days then 1.5 for 2 days then .1 per day for 2 days. then.5 per day for 2 days.i had a few left and had to take a quater of one every few days. would skip a few days and take a quater again.been off of _______’s now for two 2 weeks and i get a little tired once in a while.i have 1 ________’s left for those bad days. hope to be ok when they are gone.THANK GOD FOR THIS DRUG.just do what doctor saids, you must want to truley get off of your drug for this to work.i will be going to __ for support.i read of people complaining of taste of _______. they are just cry babys or don’t realy want to stop useing their drugs._____,___’s, ___’s ect. ect.DON’T TASTE THAT GOOD EATHER, BUT THAT DIDN’T STOP US FROM TAKING THEM.IF YOU WANT TO STOP TAKEING YOUR DRUG THIS DRUG REALY WORK’S.it is all up to you.good luck and GOD BLESS YOU. YOU CAN DO IT IF YOU TRY HARD ENOUGH.

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. . .

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And so here is the microphone. And so here is the child. And so here is the noise of all that surrounds it. Here is the warm hypnotic hum of the locust and here the faint buzz of our disappearing honeybees. The secret here is that every moving thing makes a sound. And so then here are the birds in their confined aviary and here is the chaos of what has been emasculated there. Here also is the true noise of what remains wild, the curious resonance of all that which stays free. The rattling caw of crows and mocking starlings, for instance, the slow unforgiving cull of that lonesome whippoorwill. Here then are the sweet dulcet tones of swifts and of nightingales and so here then also is the acrid shrill honk of migrating geese directly overhead. We start with birds because there is perhaps no other thing in nature capable of producing such beautiful sound, sound being mostly the thing here. And so then here are the birds and so here are their melodies. And so then here rest the melodies and here is what spurs them to song. Here are the sounds of migration and here the sounds of encroachment and of natural predation, from man and from beast and from bulldozer alike. The important thing to remember here is that a direct kill always makes a noise, and a sharp and sudden one at that, but that this blast is nothing compared to the sound and the clamor of the idling of large scale machinery. It is nothing compared to knowing that the true leveling of land requires nothing from a bird but its continued movement, for it to spread its wings and carry its song to a new and less unspoiled place, to begin to begin again. And the only secret here is that all things that move clearly make a sound.

And so then here is the sound of logging. And here is the sound of old timber being chopped and cleared away. Here is the sound of strip mining and of development and of the movement of peoples and their things and so then here is the sound of where it has gotten us. Here is the glow of the forest fire burning and here is the sight of its thick rangy smoke. Here is the smell of it, the taste of burnt ash on your lips, and here too is smoke’s awful hanging sound. Did you know that smoke makes a sound? I’ll bet that you didn’t. But it’s true, it does, it’s a slow hissing thing, a drawn out and barely imperceptible staccato burst of the oxygen escaping the flame, and so then here is the crackle of the burning wood from where said sound begins. All is noise and all is full of noise and so naturally we must start with birds, not only because they are representative of nature, of the well from which all sound springs forth, but also because of the simple fact that birdsongs are melodious and pleasing to the ear and that this truth occurs independently of any other one thing. No outside force needs to act upon a bird in order to make it sing. They just do. Unlike water, which is capable of producing some truly beautiful music, but it needs movement in order for this to happen, something to rush over or to splash against. Air too is capable of great song, but it contains no sound in and of itself unless something else is introduced for it to blow against or rush across. And so what is left for us then are the calls of birds, the pull of their deceptively simple melodies, and so here then is how we are able to record them, with tiny microphones and with hand held cameras, with digital recorders so easily operated that perhaps even a small child could do it, since no extensive education is required for simply learning to reach down and press the dull red buttons so clearly marked PLAY and RECORD. There are entire websites devoted to this very thing, to the listening of birds, and one can’t help but imagine that it might not be so difficult a thing to capture. Just set the machine down and walk away. But so then here are the songs of the birds, here is what we have brought back of their singing, and here are the other sounds that one always finds lurking beneath. Here are the sounds of motion, and of gentle transport, here is the rustling and crackling of dry falling leaves, blown by the wind and forever scattered from the threadbare trees each and every season. Here is the satisfying crunch of said leaves being forever crushed even under the tiniest of little feet. There are birds in nature and then there is their environment too and so then here is the sound of the two of them together, the sound of what binds them ever so tightly, that is, the true and unequivocal sounds of nature itself. Here is the sound of rain, for example. Here is the plop and the spray of it. Here is the sound of rushing wind and the tall grass that it pushes its way through. Here is the sound of water splashing into streams and here is the sound of it collecting and swirling in an old tin bucket that was left behind for exactly this reason. Here is the sound of wind and water both, drumming and sheeting against the slightly corrugated surface of the portable recorder. Here is sound, the sound of sound, and here are entire mountains devoted to it. And much like the riddle of the koan, yes, it has made a noise, even though there was no one here to hear it, no human ear present to physically record the sensation. For this is sound, pure sound, and it does not need you or your body in order to exist. The true sound of nature is sound unfettered and utterly devoid of human meaning, sound that is of nothing but itself, of nothing but frequency and duration and the speed of its transmission, and the thing that is true, the only thing perhaps that is really true about any of this, is that we may never really find a way to accurately duplicate that which has already been given to us so freely here. Man may never build or compose anything quite so beautiful as the simple harmony of birds, though this will never stop us from continuing to try. To try and to fail and to remember why we are trying and then to try again. Because why not? We are only human after all. We are only a reflection of the same nature ourselves. We are only part of the same light and essence here, the same reflection of every other living thing, and so hopelessly participate we must.

But this is not just about birds being recorded in their natural environment for our enjoyment, this is also about the environment itself, the space and the shape of it. This is not just about the train and the chug of its roaring steam engine or even the long piercing whistle blown from its stack. This is also about how the train is able to travel, the motion of it, the platform upon which it glides and the repetitive click of where the wheels of the train meet track, passing so rapidly underneath them that the passengers hear it only as sound and not as one that is definable. And then even more than this, true sound is about the sound underneath that one, the almost imperceptible buzz that keeps the entire thing glued together, the sound of sounds colliding, the hum of it, the pitch, the steadied whispered whine. But strangely, you could not begin to hear or differentiate the one without the other, you would not be able to hear the symphony of motion nor the smooth caffeinated rush residing just beneath it without both being present in the first place. You would not hear noise unless you knew silence, you would not seek quiet unless you were in the presence of some overbearing noise. Philosophically speaking, this is akin to the idea of there being no beauty without also some measure of ugliness, no pleasure without also some notion of pain, no joy in being privy to something wonderful and majestic without first knowing what it was to live without it. There is noise in this world and it comes in many colors. There are noises that you know and can easily comprehend and identify, and then there are noises that are merely the expression of noise itself. But there is no noise without a signal. And there is no signal without a noise. There is nothing ear-splitting in the world that does not contain some measure of beauty and harmony within it and there is nothing orchestral nor divine that does not also contain some guttural blast of pure noise within it. This is what the art and the music and the special genius of RPM Orchestra explores so vividly and so correctly. Found sounds, they are want to call it, or field recordings, for lack of a better term. But giving it a name is not what’s most important here, it does not matter really how they have chosen to address it at the end of the day, what does count and what is important is what they have decided to do with the spaces in between the sound, in their exploration and investigation of the sound of sound total, and how best for them to collect and to express what they have found artistically. Here is the child and here is the microphone and here is what RPM Orchestra does very very well.

And here unfortunately is where history must begin to involve itself, for the music and for this review of it. Here is the point where things become sort of impossible for the writer to continue without admitting his own bias towards it and so it is here that a wall must be broken in order for this piece to continue. Here is where the writer wants to cop and to confess to a sort of familial tendency towards synestheisa and towards synesthetic thinking in general, towards a slight blending of the senses as it were, and then to thank the artist profusely for expressing the curious feeling of what it feels like to live with that. Here is what it sounds like when the music of the artist has sort of spoken to what goes on inside the writer’s head. Here is where the writer is attempting to explain to his reader how the artist has done this exactly and to hopefully begin to understand the significance of it. Here is where the writer wants to explain that this is more than music, it’s more like thinking of how limiting the process of making traditional music really is. Listening to RPM Orchestra, and especially listening to them live, is like listening to a single impossibly pure note plucked on a string and then held there indefinitely so that the mind might be able to come up with its own melody around that note. Here then also is where the writer wants to stop for just a moment to accuse the artist of perhaps engaging in a sort of deliberate autosuggestion with its audience, by describing an opening to a thing, in this case a different way of hearing, by engaging in the playing of another. How is one supposed to review the particular sound of an artist when their songs seem designed to contain the very essence and history of sound itself? When this appears to be a thing that the artist actually strives for? When the very notion of actually reviewing any one single song is unmasked as the archaic response to art that it truly is? How then to speak it? How?

And so but here is where the writer is guilty of it too. Here is the writer in love not so much with the sound of his own voice, but with the sounds of what he writes about, his central motifs, played back to him in crystallized and in unceasing time. Here is the writer as grateful admirer of this art, as lover and champion of this perfectly realized idea, the sound of this wonderful, wonderful MUSIC. And so then here is the guilty lover in love with his inspiration, in love with the florid language of love, the words that have been inspired here, the lover clearly captivated by the gentle flow and the rhythm of it, still entranced by the trance of it all, and yet again, here is the lover hopelessly drawn to these things that are hidden away in our language, in our speech and in our syntax, these carefully placed things that are both the lover’s and the writer’s only real stock in trade at the end of the day, and so then here is the artist who has just demolished them both by coming up with the soundtrack for it, for thinking like this in the first place. And the truth is that all of these things, though honest, are still a failure of healthy criticism on the writer’s part, and the writer knows and will admit to that, but it doesn’t make the joy that he feels for this music any less true. Here then is the conceit of the writer that he might pretend to understand intentionality here, here is the gall inherent in even attempting to try to write a review of a thing that must be seen and felt in order to be believed in the first place. Do people even really say things like that anymore? Even if they’re true? And so here also is the vanity in supposing that others might want or even be able to read about such a purely auditory and visual experience in the first place. Look man. This paragraph is nothing more than a simulation. These words are anything but the entire truth. Can you see that? Perhaps it is best that you just go now and experience this thing for yourself, perhaps it is best that you just get up off of the couch and leave your house or else put your drink down at the bar and then walk, run, or fly to go see RPM Orchestra perform live the very next time they are playing. This is a thing that you should do no matter what, for it might be the thing that you are looking for, this thing that is being suggested to you, that it might be a thing that is looking for you too, that nay, you should really be listening to this RIGHT NOW, since there is a part of you that already is and you just don’t know it yet. What is the matter with you anyway that you have missed it, this magic, this sound, this glimpse into something of and above and beyond yourself? Because the writer, though he is trying, he cannot do it for you. He is trying but he cannot tell it, not in the way that it needs to be told. He cannot write about a thing that he loved and admired and sort of knew from the first moment that he heard it and because of his love, he cannot convince you that this thing is actually true. You are not him. He is not you. The two of you are not necessarily representative of the other, though you are reading his words, and already this writer is too much part of the story. But what he can do, and will now, is attempt to draw for you a picture of it, of what the sound looks like. What he can do is to try to use the language of pure sensation to hopefully describe a thing that is not easy to express at all without just continually exhorting you to simply go experience it for yourself, to go see. And for the record, it is a conversation worth having, this dialogue that has been opened here, based as it is upon sensory experience and upon the experiential in general, and while it is a conversation worth having, it is one that takes more than mere words are able to convey here. But let us try. What RPM Orchestra does with their art and with their music is to engage in the performance and manifestation of a thing that is already in the air all around you, a strange magic that has always been present and will always continue to, whether we are here to hear it or not. All that they have really done is to christen it, to give the void a proper name and a shape, and this, this small piece of artistic license and unfettered expression, is truly no small feat indeed.

And so. And so this will be a paragraph about RPM Orchestra and this will be a paragraph about them alone. This will be a paragraph about the sound of their music and what it has the power to inspire in you and then nothing more. This will be and is now a closing paragraph about their rapturous sonic wind and how they happened to share it with the world one warm summer evening at the Firehouse in Phoenix, Arizona. Here was the sound of a sound collage exploding and here is what it sounds like when you try to write it down in retrospect. Here is the wind and here are dusty garden arches. Here is the fire and the wreaths we carefully crafted for the dead. Here are the blossoms that we collected and hung from the backs of doors and here are the petals that we pressed and saved in heavy books. Here are the songs about the things that are no longer with us. Here are the songs about the things that we gave away. Here are the candles floating in the river and here is the water from the deep black well. Here is the threshold that the bride was carried over and here is the sound of what surrounds her today. Here is the pluck and the slap of the large stand up bass. Here is the wet whistle and the sound of the reed. Here is the thick moan of history itself and here is the groaning of its collective treasured weight. Here is the horse and here is its carriage. Here is the Pullman and the Packard that replaced it. Here is the miner and here is the canary. Here is the calliope, here the carousel. Here is the bottle and then here is the lightning. Here is what it shook like before we sealed the top. Here is the thunder and here is where it got us. Here is the light from a thousand old cakes. Here are the clowns and here the red wagons. Here the nickelodeon and the penny arcade. Here is the typewriter and here is its furious movement. Here is the zip-ping of its triumphant return. Here is the color and so here is the motion. Here is the sound of your heartbeat in the dark. Here are the church bells and here is the static. Here is the transistor calling you back to bed. Here is the child and here is the parent. Here is the volt and here is the charge. Here is the crash and the ladder of Jacob. Here is the light and the vision of Blake. Here is the rope that forever shall bind us. And here is the map and the loon of the lake. Here is the crackling of dead drying palm fronds. Here is your city shrouded in dust. Here is the spark of the quietly lit smoke bomb. And here its bright candy and here the brave cloud. Here is the ghost and here for you is its music. Here is the machine making such glorious sound. Here is the document and here is where we signed it. And here is the child and here the microphone. And here is the child and here the microphone. Here. Hear. Here.

RPM Orchestra’s new compact disc release is entitled “afterglow” and is available for purchase right this very minute. Please contact them at www.myspace.com/rpmorchestra in order to obtain a copy or to ask them politely for further details. Thank you.

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